1-2-3 "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CRYSTAL!!" was what was said to me first thing this morning by a group of 8 year old girls. Ashley woke up this morning and made me an anniversary card.....she is such a thoughtful little girl. She realized there would be no opening of cards for me today as I had always gotten to do in the past. As I got her ready for dancing I was going over and over in my mind how I thought this day would play out. I have never done something like this (scattering of ashes) before or even attended something like this before. On such a monumental day, how could I possibly honor him in the way he deserved to be honored?!
Many of my friends offered to make the trip to Cedar Grove with me today. I appreciate all of the offers I received, but there are just some things that I need to do by myself. As stated before, October brings such joys to our family, but this October seems to be filled with more chaos than normal---at least for me right now. Having the hour and a half in the car each way was a nice time to reflect, cry, pray and remember.
Funny how things happen at certain times....I think the "let me play every sad love song" country music DJ was working while I was in the car driving. I got through them and got off of I-74 to head towards Cedar Grove....turning right off the exit takes you towards the casinos (Tony use to joke: "Come on honey, one quick game of black jack!"), but I made the left turn to go to the church. After such a gray, cold and rainy week here in Indy, the day was beautiful. Is was if Tony knew what was on the agenda today and ordered up some sunshine to help our spirits. It was a beautiful, crisp fall day. I pulled into the church and went to his mother's gravesite. Looking across the way I heard laughter and could see a group of men in tuxedos. Today someone was getting married in that church and the groomsman were all outside enjoying a moment just as our groomsman had done on this day 11 years ago.
Next came Aunt Betty's house. Walking into her house set off one of those "trigger moments". It was the first time I had been there without Tony opening that door with me. We were there this summer for the big event aunt Betty has every year. Leaving on that day this summer, I had a feeling it might be his last. So in I go and am greeted with a big huge and smile from aunt Betty. "The firsts are hard" she said immediately. She knows. She lost her husband of cancer too. Soon after I arrived his cousin Shane, wife Christi, his dad Jerry, mother in law, Karen, and his sister , Tonya arrived. We were ready.
We went to the church and placed some ashes there behind his mother's headstone. It was there that I read something very personal to everyone. Before Tony and I got married I made him do one of those "cheesy wedding things" that I'm sure all men hate.....I had us write letters to each other that we agreed we would not open and read for 10 years. Tony did not want to do, but obliged my wishes. I am so grateful he did. We read the letters together last year on our 10-year anniversary, but a line in his letter to me made such an impact on me when reading it this morning. Part of his letter to me had the following message:
"I am looking forward to a long, happy, loving life with you. I can hardly wait to see where we are in ten years. what our lives have become. How we've raised our kids. How our careers have evolved. What challenges we have overcome and what challenges we face. I know we can do anything together. Together we're going to put values into the lives of others......"
It was that last sentence that really got to me because how true those words written so innocently in 1998 turned out to be. He changed the way people valued what was important in their lives. His battle and experiences helped others to be a better spouse, parent, sibling and friend.
After the graveside remembrance Tonya led us up this hill behind the church (where he proposed to me, and where he played as a child with his cousins and sister). I had no idea what to expect. I was such a beautiful spot. It was far more beautiful that I could have ever imagined. It was so peaceful, so simple, so calm. He was there. His presence was felt. His father read some scripture and wonderful messages about life after death. Tonya sang the song that she sang to us on our wedding day. It was time for Tony to be on the hillside again. We each took a turn in scattering his ashes. The winds made a noticeable increase in their power. We also buried a portion of his ashes at the base of a tree on the hillside....just like that it was over. I just happened to look at my watch and with tears in my eyes I realized it was 2:30. Our wedding began at 2:30. It was not planned to happen at that time, but that's how the events unfolded. Our love and journey together had come full circle.
I have given careful thought into where to go with the blog from this point forward. Some of you have asked that I keep writing. Others of you understand how this particular blog keeps me "stuck" in the life with cancer. I realize that there may be days ahead that are "trigger" days for me that I may feel i need to release my thought by writing. However, this site is no longer the appropriate avenue to do that. This blog was really meant to be Tony's blog, not mine. I thank you all for following on the journey with us. My fear in stopping the blog is that people's memories of Tony will over time begin to fade. I guess I saw the blog as a means to keep his memory alive. I realize that what Tony gave us was really a lesson on life, not just a memory. Peoples lives are already forever changed because of his impact and I don't need to blog in order for people to remember him.
So, would you call this a monumental day? Life will go in. Mine will never be the same without Tony, but it will go on. It has to for our children. Today somebody in that church in Cedar Grove had the best day of their life. Today, that couple moves forward making new memories together. Today, Tony and I created another memory together at that church. I will love him always. He will never be forgotten. ...
My blog tonight will not end with "more updates to come" as Tony started so long ago. I don't know where my road will lead me, but it has been my pleasure sharing our life with all of you. Thanks for the support you have given us and all of the prayers that I know we are still receiving.
My love to you all,
Crystal
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I'm not sure....
This was an interesting week to say the least....i say interesting because I was called upon by different people to give them advice....all kinds of advice on how to deal or handle the situations that were before them in their individual lives. I don't necessarily consider myself a wise person, but rather a person with a different perspective than others based on my situation. I hope I helped them. It felt good to be the one helping instead of the one always needing help.
That's hard for a lot of people to understand, but after 5 years of receiving help it starts to make you feel really guilty. I know people would not do it if they did not want to, but it did feel good to be able to give back even if it was on a small scale.
I had a great talk with a friend at lunch this week that asked me how long I was going to keep writing. My response was "I'm not sure." In some ways it is therapeutic for me and in other ways it makes me feel good to see the comments that people send me about what they have read. I think that the blog has been a good way for people to understand how cancer impacts a family and it helped changed many peoples perspective on life. Tony had an amazing ability to do that through his writing.
I am somewhat struggling with what to do with the blogs. If anyone knows a publisher I would love to honor Tony by having them published in a book form....I just don't know how that whole process works. I am not sure if I am going to keep writing.....it is hard to explain. I'm not sure why, but at times I feel like the journal keeps me "stuck in the cancer life" and is sad for me. Other times it makes me fell close to him and makes me want to continue it for him. A counselor just questions if it is healthy for me to continue.
No need for me to decide now I know, but I am not sure what I will do.....would love to hear some thoughts on this one......
The kids had a decent week. They are busy with friends and activities. They got to spend time with Tony's sister's kids, Tony's aunt Carol and Tony's dad and stepmother. They had a good weekend. I got some down time this weekend as well which was well needed. I will write more later. Just a quick update for now.
More to follow (I think?????),
Crystal
That's hard for a lot of people to understand, but after 5 years of receiving help it starts to make you feel really guilty. I know people would not do it if they did not want to, but it did feel good to be able to give back even if it was on a small scale.
I had a great talk with a friend at lunch this week that asked me how long I was going to keep writing. My response was "I'm not sure." In some ways it is therapeutic for me and in other ways it makes me feel good to see the comments that people send me about what they have read. I think that the blog has been a good way for people to understand how cancer impacts a family and it helped changed many peoples perspective on life. Tony had an amazing ability to do that through his writing.
I am somewhat struggling with what to do with the blogs. If anyone knows a publisher I would love to honor Tony by having them published in a book form....I just don't know how that whole process works. I am not sure if I am going to keep writing.....it is hard to explain. I'm not sure why, but at times I feel like the journal keeps me "stuck in the cancer life" and is sad for me. Other times it makes me fell close to him and makes me want to continue it for him. A counselor just questions if it is healthy for me to continue.
No need for me to decide now I know, but I am not sure what I will do.....would love to hear some thoughts on this one......
The kids had a decent week. They are busy with friends and activities. They got to spend time with Tony's sister's kids, Tony's aunt Carol and Tony's dad and stepmother. They had a good weekend. I got some down time this weekend as well which was well needed. I will write more later. Just a quick update for now.
More to follow (I think?????),
Crystal
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
What do you tell them?
Sorry it's been a while since my last entry....I have been meaning to write, but before I know it it is 11pm or later and emotionally, I just can't do it that late. It has been a mixed week. I went back to work at the preschool which has been a positive thing for me. It keeps my mind busy, but it also has been tough because there is still an enormous amount of things that I need to get done. As many of you know through previous journal entries, October is traditionally busy for us. It is Ashley's birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, Halloween parties with friends, friends birthday parties and dance team parties.....you get the picture.
Tonight Will said, "mommy will play Candyland with me?" As it would have made my life more productive to say "not right now" (remember that things to do list? The number is back to 23!) I immediately felt Tony say "play with him." Tony always took the time to play with the kids....I was always the "busy one" and he was the "super fun one." He taught me that the other stuff can always wait because the kids don't remember that the house was clean before bed, but they do remember laughing during games and singing the new Miley Cirus song while watching YouTube with me. So, in an instant I said "sure, lets play."
As last night brought tears for Ashley at bedtime, so did tonight. Tonight actually, both kids were sobbing about missing Tony. They are use to him being gone for 2-3 weeks at a time because of Germany, but there has not been a skype call this time, there is no circled date of return on the calendar on the fridge, there is no counting down the days until he gets back. Ashley is actually scared of him dying. She has a bad image in her mind and she says it scares her to think of him going to heaven....I have tried my best to help her, and am looking into Brooks Place for her, but I know some things only time will heal. she asked me "when is it not gonna hurt so bad mommy?" I could only cry in response and tell her..."I don't know."
I have so appreciated all of the cards with wonderful letters to the kids about why you all loved their father. I read them to them everyday to try to show them the impact he had on so many lives. I went out this weekend with some friends and shared some laughs. It was odd to go to a movie and dinner and do "normal stuff".....I seem to forget how to do "normal stuff". It is an odd feeling and one that is hard to describe.
Before I forget to mention it, I got a wonderful letter and donation from Meredith Rankin's husband, Justin Rankin this past week. Meredith was the women here in town that was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer when she was 23 and she passed away when she was 25. Tony and Meredith became supports for one another and they shared the same oncologist. Her husband and mother started a Meredith's Miracles Colon Cancer Foundation and they are wanting to pay it forward. Our family was one of the first families to receive a donation from this foundation....thank you Julie and Justin!! They are in need of some golf fanatics to join them on October 17th for a golf outing to help raise money for their foundation. Meredith has a Caring Bridge site (Meredith Rankin) for more information. I told Meredith's mother that I would announce the outing on the blog to try to generate some interest. They need some more foursomes!!!! I will try to post the link later this week, but please go to the Caring Bridge site for more immediate information:)
The kids continue to find pennies from heaven that daddy drops down for them to let them know he loves them. The blue jays are still coming to visit my backyard, the phone calls and support of friends and family are still being offered.....for all of this I am grateful. I am grateful to all of you who tell me that I can do this. I am grateful to all of you who believe in me.......
More updates to follow,
With love,
Crystal
Tonight Will said, "mommy will play Candyland with me?" As it would have made my life more productive to say "not right now" (remember that things to do list? The number is back to 23!) I immediately felt Tony say "play with him." Tony always took the time to play with the kids....I was always the "busy one" and he was the "super fun one." He taught me that the other stuff can always wait because the kids don't remember that the house was clean before bed, but they do remember laughing during games and singing the new Miley Cirus song while watching YouTube with me. So, in an instant I said "sure, lets play."
As last night brought tears for Ashley at bedtime, so did tonight. Tonight actually, both kids were sobbing about missing Tony. They are use to him being gone for 2-3 weeks at a time because of Germany, but there has not been a skype call this time, there is no circled date of return on the calendar on the fridge, there is no counting down the days until he gets back. Ashley is actually scared of him dying. She has a bad image in her mind and she says it scares her to think of him going to heaven....I have tried my best to help her, and am looking into Brooks Place for her, but I know some things only time will heal. she asked me "when is it not gonna hurt so bad mommy?" I could only cry in response and tell her..."I don't know."
I have so appreciated all of the cards with wonderful letters to the kids about why you all loved their father. I read them to them everyday to try to show them the impact he had on so many lives. I went out this weekend with some friends and shared some laughs. It was odd to go to a movie and dinner and do "normal stuff".....I seem to forget how to do "normal stuff". It is an odd feeling and one that is hard to describe.
Before I forget to mention it, I got a wonderful letter and donation from Meredith Rankin's husband, Justin Rankin this past week. Meredith was the women here in town that was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer when she was 23 and she passed away when she was 25. Tony and Meredith became supports for one another and they shared the same oncologist. Her husband and mother started a Meredith's Miracles Colon Cancer Foundation and they are wanting to pay it forward. Our family was one of the first families to receive a donation from this foundation....thank you Julie and Justin!! They are in need of some golf fanatics to join them on October 17th for a golf outing to help raise money for their foundation. Meredith has a Caring Bridge site (Meredith Rankin) for more information. I told Meredith's mother that I would announce the outing on the blog to try to generate some interest. They need some more foursomes!!!! I will try to post the link later this week, but please go to the Caring Bridge site for more immediate information:)
The kids continue to find pennies from heaven that daddy drops down for them to let them know he loves them. The blue jays are still coming to visit my backyard, the phone calls and support of friends and family are still being offered.....for all of this I am grateful. I am grateful to all of you who tell me that I can do this. I am grateful to all of you who believe in me.......
More updates to follow,
With love,
Crystal
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
