Happy Anniversary Tony....

1-2-3 "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CRYSTAL!!" was what was said to me first thing this morning by a group of 8 year old girls. Ashley woke up this morning and made me an anniversary card.....she is such a thoughtful little girl. She realized there would be no opening of cards for me today as I had always gotten to do in the past. As I got her ready for dancing I was going over and over in my mind how I thought this day would play out. I have never done something like this (scattering of ashes) before or even attended something like this before. On such a monumental day, how could I possibly honor him in the way he deserved to be honored?!

Many of my friends offered to make the trip to Cedar Grove with me today. I appreciate all of the offers I received, but there are just some things that I need to do by myself. As stated before, October brings such joys to our family, but this October seems to be filled with more chaos than normal---at least for me right now. Having the hour and a half in the car each way was a nice time to reflect, cry, pray and remember.

Funny how things happen at certain times....I think the "let me play every sad love song" country music DJ was working while I was in the car driving. I got through them and got off of I-74 to head towards Cedar Grove....turning right off the exit takes you towards the casinos (Tony use to joke: "Come on honey, one quick game of black jack!"), but I made the left turn to go to the church. After such a gray, cold and rainy week here in Indy, the day was beautiful. Is was if Tony knew what was on the agenda today and ordered up some sunshine to help our spirits. It was a beautiful, crisp fall day. I pulled into the church and went to his mother's gravesite. Looking across the way I heard laughter and could see a group of men in tuxedos. Today someone was getting married in that church and the groomsman were all outside enjoying a moment just as our groomsman had done on this day 11 years ago.

Next came Aunt Betty's house. Walking into her house set off one of those "trigger moments". It was the first time I had been there without Tony opening that door with me. We were there this summer for the big event aunt Betty has every year. Leaving on that day this summer, I had a feeling it might be his last. So in I go and am greeted with a big huge and smile from aunt Betty. "The firsts are hard" she said immediately. She knows. She lost her husband of cancer too. Soon after I arrived his cousin Shane, wife Christi, his dad Jerry, mother in law, Karen, and his sister , Tonya arrived. We were ready.

We went to the church and placed some ashes there behind his mother's headstone. It was there that I read something very personal to everyone. Before Tony and I got married I made him do one of those "cheesy wedding things" that I'm sure all men hate.....I had us write letters to each other that we agreed we would not open and read for 10 years. Tony did not want to do, but obliged my wishes. I am so grateful he did. We read the letters together last year on our 10-year anniversary, but a line in his letter to me made such an impact on me when reading it this morning. Part of his letter to me had the following message:

"I am looking forward to a long, happy, loving life with you. I can hardly wait to see where we are in ten years. what our lives have become. How we've raised our kids. How our careers have evolved. What challenges we have overcome and what challenges we face. I know we can do anything together. Together we're going to put values into the lives of others......"

It was that last sentence that really got to me because how true those words written so innocently in 1998 turned out to be. He changed the way people valued what was important in their lives. His battle and experiences helped others to be a better spouse, parent, sibling and friend.

After the graveside remembrance Tonya led us up this hill behind the church (where he proposed to me, and where he played as a child with his cousins and sister). I had no idea what to expect. I was such a beautiful spot. It was far more beautiful that I could have ever imagined. It was so peaceful, so simple, so calm. He was there. His presence was felt. His father read some scripture and wonderful messages about life after death. Tonya sang the song that she sang to us on our wedding day. It was time for Tony to be on the hillside again. We each took a turn in scattering his ashes. The winds made a noticeable increase in their power. We also buried a portion of his ashes at the base of a tree on the hillside....just like that it was over. I just happened to look at my watch and with tears in my eyes I realized it was 2:30. Our wedding began at 2:30. It was not planned to happen at that time, but that's how the events unfolded. Our love and journey together had come full circle.

I have given careful thought into where to go with the blog from this point forward. Some of you have asked that I keep writing. Others of you understand how this particular blog keeps me "stuck" in the life with cancer. I realize that there may be days ahead that are "trigger" days for me that I may feel i need to release my thought by writing. However, this site is no longer the appropriate avenue to do that. This blog was really meant to be Tony's blog, not mine. I thank you all for following on the journey with us. My fear in stopping the blog is that people's memories of Tony will over time begin to fade. I guess I saw the blog as a means to keep his memory alive. I realize that what Tony gave us was really a lesson on life, not just a memory. Peoples lives are already forever changed because of his impact and I don't need to blog in order for people to remember him.

So, would you call this a monumental day? Life will go in. Mine will never be the same without Tony, but it will go on. It has to for our children. Today somebody in that church in Cedar Grove had the best day of their life. Today, that couple moves forward making new memories together. Today, Tony and I created another memory together at that church. I will love him always. He will never be forgotten. ...

My blog tonight will not end with "more updates to come" as Tony started so long ago. I don't know where my road will lead me, but it has been my pleasure sharing our life with all of you. Thanks for the support you have given us and all of the prayers that I know we are still receiving.

My love to you all,
Crystal

I'm not sure....

This was an interesting week to say the least....i say interesting because I was called upon by different people to give them advice....all kinds of advice on how to deal or handle the situations that were before them in their individual lives. I don't necessarily consider myself a wise person, but rather a person with a different perspective than others based on my situation. I hope I helped them. It felt good to be the one helping instead of the one always needing help.

That's hard for a lot of people to understand, but after 5 years of receiving help it starts to make you feel really guilty. I know people would not do it if they did not want to, but it did feel good to be able to give back even if it was on a small scale.

I had a great talk with a friend at lunch this week that asked me how long I was going to keep writing. My response was "I'm not sure." In some ways it is therapeutic for me and in other ways it makes me feel good to see the comments that people send me about what they have read. I think that the blog has been a good way for people to understand how cancer impacts a family and it helped changed many peoples perspective on life. Tony had an amazing ability to do that through his writing.

I am somewhat struggling with what to do with the blogs. If anyone knows a publisher I would love to honor Tony by having them published in a book form....I just don't know how that whole process works. I am not sure if I am going to keep writing.....it is hard to explain. I'm not sure why, but at times I feel like the journal keeps me "stuck in the cancer life" and is sad for me. Other times it makes me fell close to him and makes me want to continue it for him. A counselor just questions if it is healthy for me to continue.

No need for me to decide now I know, but I am not sure what I will do.....would love to hear some thoughts on this one......
The kids had a decent week. They are busy with friends and activities. They got to spend time with Tony's sister's kids, Tony's aunt Carol and Tony's dad and stepmother. They had a good weekend. I got some down time this weekend as well which was well needed. I will write more later. Just a quick update for now.

More to follow (I think?????),
Crystal

What do you tell them?

Sorry it's been a while since my last entry....I have been meaning to write, but before I know it it is 11pm or later and emotionally, I just can't do it that late. It has been a mixed week. I went back to work at the preschool which has been a positive thing for me. It keeps my mind busy, but it also has been tough because there is still an enormous amount of things that I need to get done. As many of you know through previous journal entries, October is traditionally busy for us. It is Ashley's birthday, my birthday, our anniversary, Halloween parties with friends, friends birthday parties and dance team parties.....you get the picture.

Tonight Will said, "mommy will play Candyland with me?" As it would have made my life more productive to say "not right now" (remember that things to do list? The number is back to 23!) I immediately felt Tony say "play with him." Tony always took the time to play with the kids....I was always the "busy one" and he was the "super fun one." He taught me that the other stuff can always wait because the kids don't remember that the house was clean before bed, but they do remember laughing during games and singing the new Miley Cirus song while watching YouTube with me. So, in an instant I said "sure, lets play."

As last night brought tears for Ashley at bedtime, so did tonight. Tonight actually, both kids were sobbing about missing Tony. They are use to him being gone for 2-3 weeks at a time because of Germany, but there has not been a skype call this time, there is no circled date of return on the calendar on the fridge, there is no counting down the days until he gets back. Ashley is actually scared of him dying. She has a bad image in her mind and she says it scares her to think of him going to heaven....I have tried my best to help her, and am looking into Brooks Place for her, but I know some things only time will heal. she asked me "when is it not gonna hurt so bad mommy?" I could only cry in response and tell her..."I don't know."

I have so appreciated all of the cards with wonderful letters to the kids about why you all loved their father. I read them to them everyday to try to show them the impact he had on so many lives. I went out this weekend with some friends and shared some laughs. It was odd to go to a movie and dinner and do "normal stuff".....I seem to forget how to do "normal stuff". It is an odd feeling and one that is hard to describe.

Before I forget to mention it, I got a wonderful letter and donation from Meredith Rankin's husband, Justin Rankin this past week. Meredith was the women here in town that was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer when she was 23 and she passed away when she was 25. Tony and Meredith became supports for one another and they shared the same oncologist. Her husband and mother started a Meredith's Miracles Colon Cancer Foundation and they are wanting to pay it forward. Our family was one of the first families to receive a donation from this foundation....thank you Julie and Justin!! They are in need of some golf fanatics to join them on October 17th for a golf outing to help raise money for their foundation. Meredith has a Caring Bridge site (Meredith Rankin) for more information. I told Meredith's mother that I would announce the outing on the blog to try to generate some interest. They need some more foursomes!!!! I will try to post the link later this week, but please go to the Caring Bridge site for more immediate information:)

The kids continue to find pennies from heaven that daddy drops down for them to let them know he loves them. The blue jays are still coming to visit my backyard, the phone calls and support of friends and family are still being offered.....for all of this I am grateful. I am grateful to all of you who tell me that I can do this. I am grateful to all of you who believe in me.......

More updates to follow,
With love,
Crystal

Clarity....

When I put the kids to bed some nights the silence is brutal. I don't want this to be a continual "Debbie Downer" kind of a blog because that is NOT the way Tony and I lived together. We always tried to find the positives in life. Some days were easier to see them than others, but none the less they were there.

One positive thing that I must mention is the continued emails, cards and letters I have been receiving telling me how Tony impacted their lives. Each day I am in awe by a letter or card that starts out..."you don't know me but....or Tony did not know me but..." I always read these to the kids and know that in due time they will one day understand what a great daddy they had.

The tough questions continue to flow from William. He is only four, so I know I will have to explain things to him for a long time. Today on the way to school he asked me when God was going to be done with daddy being an angel....that's a tough one! After school Will was with me when I turned in Tony's car (it was a leased car). This was a trigger moment for me because it seems like I'm "cutting him out of my life" by getting rid of the things that were a part of his daily existence. I really struggled with the car thing, but knew financially I needed to do it. Will saw my crying on the way to the dealership and said "Mommy, I'm gonna miss daddy a lot more than I'm gonna miss his car." Insightful just like his daddy.

Those are the moments that cancer still controls my life....a 4 year old should should not be talking about things like that! Will is still feeling a little under the weather and I had to take him back to the doctor today. He never complains though about being sick-just like his daddy isn't he? Ashley appears to be back in her routine of school-friends, dance- friends, church-friends....she has remained her social butterfly self. I have been looking into some additional counseling options for her as I fear she is stuffing many emotions way down deep inside. But, overall she is doing ok.

Many of you have asked me to do things on 10-17 because you know that would have been my 11 year anniversary. Everyones offers were nice, but none of them felt right to me. As I sat one night it came to me as to what I should do that day....... it may seem ridiculous to some of you, but to me spreading his ashes on that day just seems to make sense.

Let me tell you why. I'm going to share a personal story of one of the best days of our lives together. When Tony and I first started dating I lived in Massachusetts and he lived in Virginia. It was 12-12-07 and we were flying into Cincy for me to meet his sister, who was not going to be able to stay for the holidays (or so I thought). Tony was so excited for me to meet her, but there was a glitch in the plans (I laugh now at all of the roadblocks that happened to us even before cancer!).

Both of our flights were delayed---like 6 hours delayed. Irritating I thought, but still excited to meet him in Cincy. Little did I know that he was planning on proposing to me that night and he had people lined up to do things at certain times. I couldn't figure out why once we both got to Cincy why he was so nervous/anxious. Long story short, that night in a little town called Cedar Grove, he proposed to me in the church where his parents got married (where his sister and many aunts got married, it is a very special place to him---his mother is also buried beside this church). He had arranged for there to be flower arrangements brought in, candles to be lite, the whole nine yards! Of course I accepted and the rest is history.

Down the ways just a little from this church is a hill where he, his sister, and all of his cousins spent hours every summer growing up playing. Family has always been an integral part of Tony's life. He had such happy memories of this place because it is one of the few times in his life he experienced "pure happiness"....no worries, just the joy of being a kid. He told me driving past it one day (pre-cancer), "If I ever get into an accident and die I want you to spread my ashes on this hill."

So as I struggled with all of the kind invitations of outings on the 17th, it came to me to spread his ashes on our anniversary......we essentially agreed to start our lives together at this church and it makes sense to complete his life and honor his life at this church. Some of his ashes will be scattered on that hill that he so loved as a child....just like back then he is now in a blissful state of pure happiness. The remainder of his ashes will be buried next to his mother. Just as any child next to their mother should be-with no worries, with no stressors, just pure love.

It will be a much different feel leaving the church on that day then the feeling we had when we left it together on that cold December night. I know it will be an ending to the most amazing 11 year chapter of our lives together as husband and wife, but I can't imagine any other way to go out then to go back to where it all began.......

My love to you all, more updates to follow,
Crystal

Paying Tribute.....

Monday will be 2 weeks since Tony has passed. I needed some encouragement today as I 'm not sure what triggered me to be so emotional this afternoon. A good friend told me today that I will face lots of "triggers" in the upcoming months, and they are correct. It has been extremely difficult doing the tasks that I am forced to be doing with the pain of losing him still so fresh. I began to clean out his car today and I came across a bag from Hallmark with cards in it that he had bought on 6-30-09. Those cards were meant for me, but he never got to write in them to give to me. Looking at the "blank cards" said a lot to me as to how "final" all of this really is. I will never get a card with his handwriting in it again. You all know how amazing he was with his words. Every card was such a gift to me because he spoke from his heart.

Having said all of that, my emotional status went downhill and I said to myself "I cant sit here and cry all day...not again today...i need some encouragement" So I went to the email that Eric Graham sent me with Tony's eulogy. I want everyone to know that Eric along with Doug Haller wrote this piece together. Doug could not make it back for the funeral, but he was with Eric on that day through their writing. They did a phenomenal job on explaining Tony's character and touching upon all of the important elements in Tony's life. So, even though it is a long blog entry, I want to share it with all of you again. It offers me encouragement and continues to make me want to be a better person and make Tony proud....so thanks Eric and Doug for a job well done!

My name is Eric Graham, I met Tony in the Spring of 1992 at Indiana University while we were pledging Theta Chi fraternity. We instantly became friends, probably because when it was time to buy dance shirts we were the only two guys that could fit into a youth medium! Although we moved to other parts of the country, we remained close. I have been very fortunate in my life to have not had, until Tony, anyone I truly care about pass away. So when Crystal asked me to say a few words about Tony, I have to admit I was a little lost at what to do. So being the smart yet very resourceful man I called our mutual friend, Doug Haller, who is a lifelong friend of Tony and just happens to make his living as a writer. Doug instantly calmed my nerves by reminding me that Tony's website was a great place to get some inspiration and he promised to write a few of his memories I could include as well. With that I felt at ease and tried on the only dark suit I own which just happened to be about 15 years old. Fortunately it still fit, but unfortunately as I looked in the mirror I noticed the not so popular double breasted suit that resembled something David Letterman would wear. So as I wiped the tears from my eyes I remembered all the nights Tony and I sat on the couch, Tony wrapped in his IU blankie that barely covered half his body, and I watching Letterman. So I thought what better way to honor my friend than with a top ten list. I know this may not be typical, but Tony was far from a typical man. So drum role please the top ten things I learned from Tony.....

10. How Important Friends Are:
I'm sure a lot of you attended Tony's fundraising benefit last week. Pretty amazing turnout wasn't it? More than 700 people showed up to support Tony and his family. There were childhood friends, high school friends, work friends, neighbors and complete strangers. There was also a fair amount of fraternity brothers there. Now Fraternity's don't always have the best image , but I can tell you that I have never been more proud to say I was a Theta Chi than last Thursday. Guys flew in from all over the country. They helped raise money. Tony's friendship to me has meant so much and we have been fortunate enough to never lose touch, but that's not the same with all my friends. Our daily lives often make it difficult to keep in touch. We focus on our jobs, and not on our relationships. Soon a few weeks pass between phone calls. Then a few months, and the next thing you know, a couple years. Because of Tony, I don't think that will happen again. He brought a lot of old friends back together and some new ones as well. I can assure you these friendships will not be taken for granted again.

9. How To Treat Strangers:
Friends are easy, but how do you treat some one you don't know says a lot about the type of person you are. It was one thing to read about Tony's courage on his blog. It was another to witness it. Doug writes, when we were sitting in the medical facility in Germany. We were both on our computers, and of course, Tony was the youngest patient in the room by about 20 years. Two women sat across from him. They were from Australia. It was their first day, and it was obvious that they were scared and a little ticked off that no one had stopped to help them. Tony looked up. "Is this your first day here?" he said to one of the women. She said it was. He got out of his chair, walked over and talked to them for about 10 minutes. That's all it took. "I know your nervous, but your in the right place," he said. By the time Tony finished, you could tell the women felt so much more at ease. He had that affect on a lot of people.

8. How To Be A Good Employee:
It's obvious that there are a lot more important things than being a hard worker, but your work ethic and attitude speaks of your character. Tony worked as a purchasing manager for the Sports Licensing Division group of Adidas/Reebok. I want to take a second to thank them and especially his boss, Sonny Short and Blake Lundberg, for being so supportive of him over the last 5 years. To be flexible and understanding so Tony could do what he needed to do. With that said though, he never took advantage of it. while we were in Germany he worked tirelessly answering emails and calls all while attached to IV's and medications. When I asked him about disability he refused to even discuss it until he could no longer walk without assistance. When co-workers called in with a cold, Tony showed up to work with a chemo bag attached to his hip. That's a work ethic!

7. Tony taught me what Realtors have known for years....when buying a new home its location, location, location. That could not be truer than in the Fellers case. I'm not referring to beautiful views or good schools, I'm talking about neighbors. The people that live around Tony and Crystal are nothing short of amazing. Throughout Tony's fight I have felt very helpless. I live 800 miles away, there is little I can do on a daily basis. His neighbors put my mind at rest from huge fundraisers to mowing the lawn to making meals, to helping with the children, they have been a blessing to Crystal and Tony and an inspiration to me. I mean no disrespect by calling you neighbors when Tony described you to me he didn't use "friend" he used the word "family." Thank you for taking care of my friend when I couldn't be there. Speaking of family......

6. How To Be A Good Brother, Cousin, Nephew, Uncle, Son or Son- In-Law.....
When you treat friends, neighbors and even strangers like family just imagine how he felt about his real family. I have never met a man that was so close to his extended family. From his father Jerry, sister Tonya, his cousin Shane, his aunt Carol, Tony was a role model on how to be a family man. Although all families have members that are less than perfect, Tony respected and honored his family and the Feller name through his life. That brings me to number 5....

5. How To Be A Good Father...
Tony loved his children Ashley and William. Often after I would finish telling him how active or busy my kids were, you know those politically correct terms for "driving me crazy," Tony's voice would change. You could hear the pride in his voice as he told me "I have great kids". He would talk with such pride in the way Ashley was doing in school or in dance, but most of all in what a wonderful big sister she had become. He would tell me how smart Will was and how he was good at puzzles. Anyone that knows Tony at all knows his positive attitude. The few times that Tony writes of disappointment it is usually because of something he could not do with his children. For example he writes: "Tomorrow cancer will take away my ability to watch my daughter get on the bus to start her year as a second grader. If cancer doesn't know me by now, I may get discouraged or disappointed by these things, but in the big scheme of things I'm not going to let it set me back. I'm not going to let the disappointment outweigh my ability to stay strong and fight back to get back on my feet and start swinging again. I've learned so many positive things from cancer and have had so many positive things occur in my life because of this disease, but not always having your life because of your health is by far one of the most difficult parts of this disease. For example, Ashley wanted me to take her to the pool yesterday and I physically couldn't do it. Crystal was on her way to the store and we told her that I needed to rest. I would do anything to feel well enough to have taken her to the pool and I think she understands, but doesn't make it any easier. Luckily one of our neighbors called a little later and invited her to go to the pool, but when she came back and we started talking about it again she asked shy I had to have the boo-boo in my belly. These are the times I want my life back...."

4. The number four thing Tony taught me was that even as a bald man weighing 130 pounds soaking wet you could still be cocky and cool! In other words, be happy and proud of who you are!!

3. The number three thing I learned from Tony was the type of person I wanted to be:
Facing serious illness, Tony turned into a leader. He pursued alternative treatment when "traditional" treatment medical therapies failed. He encouraged and comforted others. Throughout his journey, Tony's attitude and spirit has inspired friends, family, and strangers to embrace life, appreciate daily blessings and overcome challenges. When asked if he was in a good place spiritually, he said he was. He said he didn't have any anger. He still had faith in God. He still believed that good things were in store. He let go of past grudges. He accepted people for who they were, warts and all.

He told several of us he wanted to write a book. He didn't want it to be about cancer. He wanted it to be about people helping people. He wanted to show people that life offers more than one path. If one path closes, find another. If you break down, get back up. Tony created his own path in his battle. He felt like his approach could be applied to any of life's problems, no matter how big or small. He said "never give up no matter what the circumstance."

2. My mother always told me that the most important decision I would ever make in my life was not where I would go to college, or what career path I would follow but who I choose as my wife. Everyone out there whether they are in a blissful marriage or bitter divorce knows this statement is true. Tony made an excellent choice. When I toasted Tony and Crystal at their wedding 11 years ago next month, I told Crystal that as of that day I handed over my title as best friend to someone much more deserving. I have never spoken something more true. She had exceeded my wildest imagination and highest expectations. Fortunately, because of the kind of husband and person Tony was I don't need to tell Crystal about the countless times he sang her praises or the time Tony and I cried together in Germany after getting bad news and him saying SHE doesn't deserve this. She knows how he feels: he not only told her but showed her all the time. In his blog Tony writes "Simply put, the week's been a tough one mentally and physically and not sure what I would do without Crystal. We've had some great talks this week and I find myself loving her more each day. I don't know how she gets through each day sometimes, but she seems to always find a way and continues to be as supportive as possible. She continues to be my life line in this battle and I know without any doubt I wouldn't be here if she wasn't by my side." How many of you talk about your spouse this way?

Finally, the number 1 thing I learned from Tony was his phenomenal writing skills or at least how to borrow them.
What made Tony's journey so unique is that he shared it with all of us. His blog became a place friends, family and complete strangers visited once or twice a week. At times, Tony's writing was inspirational. At others it was heart-breaking. Sometimes you laughed. Sometimes you cried. But if you look closely, a lot of the journal entries always returned to a common theme, and that was Tony's love for his wife and children and to never give up no matter what. This is a wonderful gift Tony has given to all of us. While I was preparing this talk and looking for inspiration, I came across his entry for Sunday May 10, 2009, which just happened to be Mother's Day. After thanking the wonderful mothers in his life he wrote a few words about me and no it's not because I tear up like a little girl but because of our friendship, it just happened to be on Mother's Day.....At a time when I was scared, hurting deeply and wanted to just say I can't do it, Crystal you'll have to find someone else. Tony spoke to me. He told me I could do it and what our friendship meant to him.

So I would like to end this, not on something Tony said but on what Tony taught us. I don't think it can be summed up any better than what Crystal writes so I'll quote her...."The funny thing I have learned about life throughout all of this is that other people's lives often appear better than your own. We all deal struggles in life. Some struggle more publicly than others. But I ask you, whatever the struggle in your own life that you are dealing with, how are you facing it? I would be so proud and honored if all of you reading this evaluated a difficulty in your life that you are facing through the eyes of Tony. How would he see it? Are you still aware of the blessings in your life or do you only focus on the negative? Do you offer support to others when you can? Do you listen to your friends without judgement? Do you take enough time to play with your kids? Do you tell your family you love them everyday? How do you handle the difficulties in your life?

I know how Tony would....."

May he rest in peace and may his courage, attitude and strength be an inspiration to us all.

It is.......

So here's the question a lot of you probably wonder about, but would never ask: "So what's it like now that all of this is done?" I see it in many peoples eyes, I hear it in their silence, I feel it in the comfort of their embrace......so here is my reply.....

It is the deepest pain in a person's soul with no visible wound. It is taking a quick second glance everywhere I turn because for a brief moment I think I see him pulling in the driveway or walking down the hall.

It is calling his voicemail to hear his voice, it is sleeping on his side of the bed because I want to be where he was. It is taking a moment in the craziest part of my day to tell myself "its okay, I can do this." Its the realization that as time goes on it is getting much harder mentally. It is wanting to cry all day sometimes, but then hearing Will say "mommy, are crying because of daddy?" and knowing that I need to carry on for my kids. Life for the caregiver after cancer includes straightening the linen closet, the pantry, organization of the refrigerator, and cleaning under the sinks. Doing these things will surely make me feel better right??? It is busy work and again an attempt at gaining some sense of control in my life that has been so out of control.

It is breaking down on the phone with the car dealership where we got his car from to finalize plans on turning his car back into them. It is just a car right? What's the big deal right? It isn't about the actual car at all. It's about the finality of it all. As I sit here and type this on HIS laptop tears roll down my face because it was on this keyboard I watched him write for months about his journey with such dignity.

It is some days being able to read the cards with all the wonderful words written about him, and other days holding off because I just cant do it. It is telling the person calling on the phone "No Tony isn't here right now." It is holding Ashley and wondering how she is really doing because she does not want to talk about it.

Life after cancer isn't necessarily filled without the pain of cancer. The sadness fills my veins at times like the chemotherapy that Tony had to endure to fight his battle. I had a friend tell me that Tony has finally gotten a victory of his cancer. He is victorious. He fought the good fight and is blissful in a well deserved rest. That brings me comfort, but the human side of me still feels the pain so much more. I know from experience that time heals all wounds.....Tony does not want me to sit here and cry every night, but for now that's just where I am at....and that is really ok.

I will write again soon, more updates to follow...
Love, Crystal

Lean on me.....

Today is one of those days that I do not want to get out of bed. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a person who can just sit around. I have always been a "go geter" and love being productive. I don't know whether it is the lack of sleep finally catching up to me or the calmness that blankets this house, but today I just cant stop crying. I know it doesn't all have to get done at once, but the list before me has 27 things (all important things) that need to be addressed soon. I just don't want to do them, but I have to. When one is forced into doing something because they have to, it always seems worse then it really is I think.

Today, William woke up and first thing he said to me was "I had a dream that daddy came down from heaven, but then he had to go back." Then he asked "is daddy's spirit still in me?" He followed with "I want to play a game with daddy, are there games in heaven?" It just breaks my heart so much for them. Ashley went back to school yesterday and went back to dancing lessons. She seems to be handling it the best she can. I fear that she does not speak of Tony enough, like she wants to put all of this behind her because it is too painful. I talk about Tony everyday so that she is given opportunities to ask questions or to just cry. Her "bad day" has not come yet......it will in time I'm sure.

I have received so many wonderful cards and letters from people that knew Tony from different areas of his life. The underlying message was his sense of caring for others, willingness to listen and offer support, and oh yes, that confidence and competitive spirit!!! I went to his office yesterday and was surrounded by the amazing "work family" that has taken care of us during all of this. His office was just as he had left it on his last day....he did not know he would not be back in there. His handwriting surrounded me, his IU garb dressed his desk, the family pictures filled the room. It was so comforting to be in his chair, but it also felt sad.

Last night when the kids went to bed, I did "those things" that I have heard of people doing when they lose someone close. Some of you may be able to relate.....I called his voicemail on his cell phone to hear his voice, I held the shirts he had most recently worn to feel his arms around me and to smell his cologne, I read every scrap piece of paper on his stand to feel close to him through his handwriting. Some of you may view those things as torturing myself, but I need to do it and get through it. The one thing I have not been able to do yet is to watch videos of us....its just to soon. In time, but not now.

For my New England friends, no Tony did not have anything to do with the Patriots losing their game yesterday...ha ha. His fantasy football partner is doing a great job too (way to go Matt!) Thanks to you all for the continued meals and calls. I am slowly starting to get into a "new norm" with the kids. Friday we will go to the Homecoming football game with our neighborhood. No plans after that. Day by day. I suddenly seem to have a lot of time on my hands that I am not use to having. It is time for me to be the one giving back to all of you who have been giving to me/us for so long. I want to be that friend who you can depend on. I want to listen to YOUR struggles and help all of YOU......I don't want cancer to control me anymore, so please let me be there for all of you now too.....

Love and peace,
Crystal

So now what?

Today is Sunday. A Sunday in the Feller home during the NFL season is typically filled with the sounds of the NFL theme song, comments of "dang it", "go go go go", or "idiot! I shouldn't have started that guy today." Ahhhh, what a sweet, relaxing day it is. Of course I say this with a grin because watching Tony on any given Sunday did bring me such joy inside. He loved his football to say the least. Today my house was not filled with these sounds and a deep sadness filled me.

The little things that cancer continues to do me include putting away the blankets that Tony used on his hospital bed, putting away his last clean load of laundry, putting away his medicines and having a king size bed stare me down each night with visions of Tony beside me. Cancer continues to control my thoughts....i know this will pass in time, but for now it is where I am at in my life.

My family all went back home today. My mother offered to stay the night tonight, but I declined her offer. I have to start facing this by myself. I know I have so much support, but the night time is when I feel i will have the most difficult time. My house thousands of happy memories and visions of Tony playing with the kids, writing on the computer and playing the piano. I have to be ok being there by myself. To continue to delay the feelings I am sure I will experience is not really doing me any good.

I want to thank all of those who have sent me cards with wonderful stories of Tony. I print the emails to give in a book for the kids so as they get older they will have so many nice stories of their father. What a wonderful show of support for our family on Thursday and Friday. It was one of my proudest moments to be Mrs. Tony Feller.

Many of you have asked me to keep up with the blog. I plan on doing that. It may not be an everyday blog, but I will continue to keep everyone updated on how we are doing. As things settle down I will update everyone on a final fundraising total (ebay items are still going on). Eric Graham, who did the most amazing eulogy I have heard, emailed me his speech and I will be posting it next for everyone to read.

I need to go for now. I need to get the kids ready to resume their normal activities as of tomorrow.....bedtime is an hour away. Putting them to bed tonight ought to be interesting. I pray for the wisdom of Tony when the questions begin tonight.......I will keep you all posted.
Love,
Crystal

Just some details...

I want to first thank the hundreds of you who wrote to me yesterday on this blog site, signing the guestbook, and on facebook. I read each and every one of them, but I have had to do so many things in the last 24 hours i have not had time to respond. The stories and comments you all left are being printed and bound for each of my children to always have. The stories help his positive impact on this earth live on and it helps me smile knowing of all the good he did for so many people. I have been asked by a few people on making his story into a book. Interesting thought....he always wanted to be a motivational speaker and writer if he was able to beat his cancer....maybe he still can be, but in a different kind of way.

The viewing will be Thursday from 4-8pm at Holy Spirit at Geist Catholic Church. The funeral will also be at the church on Friday at 1:30pm. Since there is no burial after the service (Tony wanted to be cremated) on Friday, I invite you to enjoy some food at the church and share wonderful stories of Tony's life!!

I need to go for now and continue all the preparations. A special thanks to my family and friends who continue to sit with me and the kids at the house during this time. This house is full of people still, and yet feels so empty without Tony's smile and voice.

More updates to come...
Love,
Crystal

Losing the love of my life....

Have you ever heard the phrase "Timing is everything?" Just as Tony knew the right time to hold me when I was sad, tell me a joke when I was down or flash me his infectious smile when I was worried, he left this world at the perfect time too. It is with a heavy heart that I write to you all this morning to inform you that the love of my life passed away yesterday at 6:45pm.

I have always believed and I now know that when people are not able to respond when they are ill, they can still hear you. Our day started off the same yesterday. I got up and got the kids ready for school and began doing what little medical things I could still do for Tony. Hospice came in and checked on him, gave him a bath, changed his clothes (He sported his Pacers shirt today) and told me they would be surprised if he made it passed Wednesday. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know" I thought to myself. You see people in the medical community have told me for years that their isn't much time left. Only 10% of those with stage 4 colon cancer make it to the 5-year mark ya know.....as if that's what any patient with colon cancer wants to know.

There have been several times I have thought "this is it"......but again we are talking about Tony Feller right!!! Tony was the most determined man I have ever known in my life. So, even though I knew he was in a very bad position, I still had hope that this day would never come. He really thought that this day would never come. But, Tony is/was such a caring person and he knew how much I needed the support of my family and friends that he decided it was "his time" to go when I had a house full of people here to help me and the kids.

After the nurses left the day resumed as normal. It was filled with moments of extreme sadness as we sat by his bed and held his hand and then moments of laughter as well told the countless of funny stories of Tony. I received some nice cards and letters in the mail (a special thanks to Kim K. from Reebok----I read your letter out loud to him and I will cherish that letter for my children as they grow) and read them to Tony.....remember he hears me.

Around 6pm the family that was here started to discuss leaving for a bit to take a break, get new clothes and get something to eat when they were out (thanks here to Laurie Dyer for feeding everyone here last night). Tony must have known because he clearly did not want me to be alone as he was sensing it was close to the time for him to go. He changed. His entire demeanor changed. He got a little figidity, his breathing noticeable changed, his pauses became longer between breaths....he was telling everyone "Don't go!"

At 6:45 he opened his eyes and looked up to the heavens and took his last breath.....he fought it till the very end, but he went in peace. what a glorious Reunion he must have had at that moment with all of those we know that have gone on before him....he finally got to meet my dad.

Mrs. Park (the counselor) came over to be here with me for when I told the children. They did not cry and have not cried yet as of early this Tuesday morning......it really has not hit them. We talked for 30 minutes about daddy going to heaven and it still did not hit them. After all of the medical equipment had been taken out, the kids entered the room where he had been and said "daddy's bed is gone". Will asked "Where is daddy?" It is just to much for their precious minds to understand all at one time.....pray for understanding and peace for my children and for me to have Tony's spirit with me when I explain things to them in the upcoming weeks/months.

Arrangements are being made and details will be posted.....but I can not end without leaving you something to think about, something that Tony would want me to tell you. Tony was a wonderful communicator. We rarely "yelled" at each other, but rather we communicated with each other. He always listened to me and heard what I had to say, even if he did not always agree with me. Everyday of his life he told me and the children how much he loved us. When he was not able to respond to us anymore I continued to tell him how much we loved him and would miss him....but I never once felt like "Oh, I wish I would have told him____". Remember, everyday we "heard" each other.

So I ask you, if today was your last day on earth, could you leave it thinking you had said what you wanted to the people that you loved? Do you tell the people important in your life that you love them? Do you hug them or kiss them everyday? Let them hear you now. Tony is still telling us today how much he loves us, only now I hear it in my heart.....


More updates to come,
Love,
Crystal

It's been a few days...

Sorry it has been a few days since I wrote last. The event Thursday was an amazing night filled with meeting new friends and reuniting with old friends. It was overwhelming to stand up there and see so many people there supporting us. Last count I received was at least 740 of you showed up!!! I talked for a while to Tony when I got home and told them of all your well wishes and how the event unfolded.

As of Thursday he became very restless and was not able to get comfortable. He had a rough night Thursday night and Friday night. When Saturday rolled around I let the Hospice nurse know that drastic measures needed to be taken to get him comfortable. They accessed his port to place a morpheme drip pump to help the pain. It has helped. He is such a fighter!!! He has not had any food or drink for three days now, but continues to hang on.

I have talked to him a few times and told him that it was ok for him to stop fighting. I told him he did not have anything left to prove and that we would be ok. He needed to be told these things, but he is still in control and he is still hanging on. He is no longer able to open his eyes and acknowledge that you are in the room, but I KNOW he can still hear what we are saying to him.

I will keep you all posted on him. Thanks so much to the fundraising committee (Brenda, MeMe, Anne, Gail Gemi, Scott B.) an all of the volunteers who helped make this a wonderful night for my family. Thanks to Mike and Joe for playing and to Mudsocks for hosting this event and making sure all ran as smooth as possible!

I will be giving a total soon on the funds raised....the ebay items are still on until the 17th I believe, but i think we are around 60K at this time!!!!!!

My love to you all, more updates to come.....
Love,
Crystal

The countdown is on.....

Well, this is it...are you ready? Twas the night before Mudsocks, when all through the house, not a committee member was sleeping-only that mouse (really a rat, but bare with me here).
The raffle baskets were wrapped with love and care, and everyone is curious as to who will be there?

Mike and Joe have rehearsed and are ready to play, ebay is up and we are adding more every day. As the Feller's prepare for such a busy day, we are amazed at how many of you came from far far away!!!!

So here me exclaim as I end this blog tonight......thanks to you all who are going and I hope you have a great night!!!


On a side note, many of you have asked me if Tony will be there tomorrow night. The answer is a week ago I would have said maybe, but with his current status I just don't see how he can. He is in such a fragile state and I don't want to add to his confusion and put him in danger of something going wrong. I am planning on going and getting to meet many of you. Let me apologize ahead of time to those of you who I may not get to meet. It will be great to be surrounded by people who have been inspired and touched by our story. Don't forget to watch Fox 59 in the morning around 8:40am.......see you tomorrow night!

Love,
Crystal

Sleepless in Indy

Tonight I will try to summarize how last night and today went for us. I wish this blog was going to be filled with laughs, but in a world of cancer you ride a roller coaster. Some days are laughs, and other days are filled with tears. Today was a tear filled day for me. Buckle your safety belts everyone and experience the ride....

Last night I turned in around 11:45. A rat crawled into our air conditioning unit and proceeded to "shut the unit down". You can visualize the mess of what a rat + a spinning motor equals. so now its 12:15am---sleep. Ooops, time to wake up it's 12:30 am and Tony needs help with going to the bathroom (I tell the story so honestly not to degrade Tony in any way, but rather to let those of you never touched by cancer to get a better sense of life for a family dealing with cancer). That lasted till 1am (with no result I might add)..Ok, now sleep.

"Crystal, crystal, I'm thirsty"-its 3:15am. Ice cream is the desired item. Tony's weakness at this point means that someone has to assist him in eating. If he falls asleep while eating then he may choke-so caregiver needs to be alert! 2 scoops of ice cream and a little water later its 3:45am and back to bed. "Crystal, I need up" (its 5:30am)....bathroom time until 5:50am. "Crystal, the phone is ringing"---it's 6:15am and the phone was not ringing. At this point some confusion is setting in due to his increased ammonia levels and high bilirubin levels which toxify the body. Just then I remembered, "crap it's a school day, and Ashley will be up at 6:50".
Next thing I feel is a tug on my shoulder and hear "mommy its picture day at school".

Just like that the night is done and I need to be ready for the day. What is my point in telling you all of this? I want you to see how important all of your acts of kindness mean to me (meals, watching and transporting kids) at this point. The night above is consistent, so my patience level is not great anymore and my body is tired.

He slept most of the day. He sat in the chair from 8:30am until 8:30pm. He drank more than he ate. He has become fond of McDonalds Sweet Tea. He says "Man that's good" when he drinks it. We increased his pain meds a little and tonight added an anxiety pill to help relax him at bedtime. Hopefully he will sleep better tonight. Now, here comes the tearful part for me....
The confusion level at this point is hard to deny. He snapped at William tonight by yelling "William!" and then realizing what he had done. Will did not know why daddy was mad at him. Tony told him to come over because he wanted to console him. Confusion moment instantly sets back in when Tony told Will he was yelling at the cat over there (points across the room). Will looks and the cat was not over there. In comes mommy and aunt Tonya to try to cover up the ordeal and divert both of their attention to something else.

Will and Ashley goes up to change into pj's. Tony became agitated. He tells me, "I'm sick of not being able to see anyone! I can never see anyone clearly! It's ridiculous, I never know who is here, I can never see anyone when I talk to them, they are always behind me...you never introduce me to people when they get here...I'm sick of it!" The whole time he is saying this I know that NONE of it is true, but he is too confused to reason with him, so I agreed with him and assured him that I will introduce him from now on and place visitors in front of him."

Next I hear, "Mommy, can I talk with you?" I know what that means, and although I am so grateful that Ashley is comfortable enough to talk with me about it, I'm emotionally hanging by a thread at this point. While laying with Will she told me that she has been having bad dreams about daddy. In her dreams sometimes daddy gets better, but then he gets worse and dies. This made sense to me because for five years she has seen her daddy do exactly that- get better then worse, better then worse. We talked for a while and they fell asleep.

So here I sit, writing to you all. I want everyone to know that there isn't anything special about our story. We are like the thousands of other families dealing with cancer, we just deal just more publicly with our battle. After all of this is said and done, I hope that all of you continue to extend your acts of kindness to those in your lives. You will unfortunately, know another family dealing with cancer again at some point in your lives. I aspire to be as good of a friend to all of you, as you all have been to me. Tony would say the same thing!

One final note, the ebay auction items are up and running....over 2,200 bids in the first 6 hours!!! Not all of the items are posted, so please check in from time to time for new listings. The ebay link can be found on the home page of Tony's website (http://www.tonyfellerfund.com/).
The Fox 59 news interview is set to air Thursday arounf 8:40am...not sure on the exact time, but that's what they told me.

Countdown is two days.....I can't wait to see all of you:)
Goodnight,
Crystal

A day with laughter

Today was a similar day to yesterday. Lots of family, friends and laughs. People have been stopping by to pre-buy their Tony Feller Benefit T-shirts.....kinda crazy, but really really cool I think. More emails keep coming in with great stories of Tony from high school days and other funny stories.

Tony ate some fruit and applesauce for breakfast which really caused him some pain after. He has not really been eating much or drinking much, so this seemed to shock his system. Lots of pain medication had to be given to get him comfortable. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. However, two things were definitely highlights today. I hope you enjoy them both....

First of all, for those of you who personally know Tony you know what a "competitor and firecracker" he can be!! In typical Tony fashion, he was determined to show us he is in control of things. He sat up in the chair and indicated he needed a drink. I was trying to help him hold the cup of water with the straw in it for him to drink. But, no no no he took the glass out of my hand and took the straw out. Ok ok, not so bad right? Then we asked him if he wanted his glasses to see better and he nodded "yes". His dad gets his glasses and puts them on his eyes for him. Tony proceeds to take them off, folded them and then opened them back up and put them on himself!!! The key word to the last sentence is HIMSELF! We all busted out laughing because that is just so like Tony to do something like that. Soon after that I helped him to the bathroom and told him he was a little pistol for doing that....he got a laugh out of it and gave me a big smile and looked at me with those big brown eyes......PRICELESS.

Second amazing thing today was that we found out that one of the fraternity brothers, Matt Greller, was somehow able to get the Governor of Indiana to declare Thursday some sort of "Tony Feller Day"!!! The details are not finalized, but i guess it is in the works! Amazing, simply amazing.

It looks like the news story will air Wednesday on Fox 59 between 7-9am....set your DVR's:)

Gonna keep this short tonight. I am very tired this evening. More to update tomorrow.
My love to you all!
Crystal

Not much news....

Nothing exciting today. Last night was filled with more visitors and laughs. Tony was able to wake up, say "hi" and offer his hand out for a shake when people spoke to him. He easily drifts back to sleep even with a room full of people. A special thanks to Sarah Orinion who brought enough food to feed an army yesterday. I laughed when i saw how much she brought, but it was all gone by lunch today.

The word from the committee members is that the ebay items will most likely be up and running on Tuesday. There will be a new tab created on Tony's website called "Ebay Items" so be on the lookout. Once they are posted they will only be on for 10 days. Some items will be posted as the time for those events draw nearer. There are so many people who are getting amazing items donated for the event....another special thanks needs to be given to Eddie White, Tom Shine, Rodney Hughes, Scott Baker, Gemi Ozdemir, and numerous other Theta Chi's who are overnighting these items into Brenda.

Just to offer you a taste of some of the items that will be posted once 100% solidified......there is

• A meet and greet with Lebron James before a game
• Indy Car Experience around the 500 track with a driver
• Tickets to the Masters on the final day with suite accommodations
• Final Four tickets
• Colts sideline seat tickets with pre-game on field access, VIP parking
• Autographed items from numerous sports figures
• Tony Stewart autographed bumper from his car he raced in Michigan last week
• Pacer tickets with flight on the plane with the team and hotel accommodations
• A case of wine a month for a year
• Cubs tickets (rooftop) with food and beverages included

There is more, but that is a taste!!! Pretty amazing what everyone has been able to pull together!! As far as all of the funds from these items and from this Thursday's event, I want to let everyone know my intent. Since it is not looking like another Germany trip is in our future, the money raised will be to assist me in paying for all the accrued debt from the last 5 trips (in 15 months). Any funds remaining after that will be divided by two and deposited into our children's college funds.

Tony woke up during the night 4 times to go to the bathroom but was able to fall back to sleep easily. He comforted ME at 6:30am when I was upset...can you believe that??? He reached his arm out slowly from under the blanket and put his arm around me and patted me on my back when I was crying. A soft "I love you" was whispered. He didn't have to say a word....actually neither of us really needed to say a word. We both already know. There is a song by Alison Kraus (spelling?) that he sent to me on a tape when we first started dating called "When You Say Nothing At All". If you have never heard it, you should give it a listen. That song was in my head at that moment this morning.

Today he has been awake for 10 or so minutes off and on. He accepted some bites of cheesecake (thanks Anne), and watched a DVD of a lake house weekend we took in June with both sets of Petruska's. Overall, a good day so far.

Thanks for all of you who have sent me emails with stories of how Tony has changed your lives or made you look at a situation differently. I LOVE reading them as they cheer me up. Thursday promises to bring more of those I am sure......

More update to come,

Blessings,

Crystal

Where do I begin?

This is just a quick update for those of you who have been following Tony's story. Today was much like yesterday. We had a house full of family and friends. We shared some laughs and we shared some tears. Tony is not eating much or drinking much at this point. He is sleeping most of the day but wakes often and looks around the room. He offers a smile to anyone he sees. I can tell you that his days will no longer be filled with needles, IVs or medication. We are blessed at this point that he does not appear to be in any pain. He is not taking pain medication yet seems peaceful.

At one point this afternoon I asked all of my family and friends to leave the room so I could have a moment alone with him. I know God was with me because of the things I was able to say to him without breaking down. He was awake for those five minutes and seemed to really hear what I was saying to him. I am so grateful for those alert minutes in his day.

Ashley talked with her counselor today and she told her she wanted to go to school tomorrow. I think all of this is a little too much for her and it scares her to be around. Her comfort is being with her friends and being able to play. I thought by keeping her home today she might enjoy being around family and friends, but I think seeing her daddy in this condition is too much for her to process. William on the other hand thinks it is great to have a house full of people. The more people willing to play with him the better!!!

On a side note I would like to take a second to mention the gathering on Sept. 10th at Mudsocks. Tony has been looking forward to this event for weeks and I hope all who read this plan on still coming no matter what his status. I would like this event to be a celebration of his life and for me to be able to meet some of the people who I have heard stories about, received supporting emails from, and who have called to offer encouragement. It will be nice to put faces with all of the names and I really want to be able to offer my appreciation.

Fox 59 Morning News will be airing our story either Monday or Tuesday between 7-9am....I am not sure what pieces will get edited out, but in case this piece doesn't make the cut I want to let you know what Tony said.....He was asked "what are your hopes". He thought for a second and said, "I am still hopeful that I can turn this thing around. If I am able to do that I would love to write more and to maybe be able to be a motivational speaker and encourage people to never give up no matter what the circumstance."

The funny thing I have learned about life throughout all of this is that other people's lives often appear better than your own. We all deal with struggles in life. Some struggle more publicly than others. But I ask you, whatever the struggle in your own life that you are dealing with, how are you facing it? I would be so proud and honored if all of you reading this evaluated a difficulty in your life that you are facing through the eyes of Tony. How would he see it? Are you still aware of the blessings in your life or do you only focus on the negative? Do you offer support to others when you can? Do you listen to your friends without judgement? Do you take enough time to play with your kids? Do you tell your family you love them everyday? How do you handle the difficulties in your life?

I know how Tony would.......

It's been a few days

Hello everyone. I am writing for Tony tonight. One would think that by not going into work you could get a lot of things done right? Not the case around here it seems. The Sept.10th fundraiser is right around the corner, so the committee has been hard at work with several phone calls and emails made each day. Fox 59 news reporter Angela Ganote is coming in the morning to tape a segment on our story (thanks Ty Gerig) and to promote the event. Eddie White will be promoting the event on his Sports Talk Radio Show starting Sept. 3rd.

Thanks to all of those people at Adidas-Reebok that have been key players in getting some of the ebay auction items finalized....more details on those will be released at the end of this week....there are some phenomenal items donated once again!

Tony continues to say "I'm not giving up" and I want to make it clear to everyone that he is fighting the hardest he has ever fought in his life. He is an amazing man. People keep telling me that I need to spend as much time with him as possible. I know that, however, I usually tell people that I have been blessed to share 11 amazing years with him....all of the trips that you all supported us in being able to take over the last year and a half has filled both of us with smiles and great memories. We are so fortunate to have had that to share with each other. I tell Tony all the time "I'm glad you picked me" because I still feel everyday that I am one of the luckiest women in the world. He is the best husband, father, son, brother and friend anyone could ask for.

I see his gentle spirit in each of our children and I am so proud of the way they are developing. I talked with our four year old son tonight and told him about Tony's health situation. We had the official talk with Ashley a while ago, but with Will being so young we did not have the same talk with him. It is interesting how cancer works. Children understand so much more than we give them credit. They have seen the slow down in their daddy over the past month and a half and are so use to seeing him hooked up to an IV pole.... that's just the way it is in our house. Will was very sad to hears of daddy's "boo boos" and cried, but he and Ashley and I talked it through and the conversation ended well.

Not the talk any parent wants to have with their child, but they deserve that respect and we have always told them we would be honest with them. We want to protect them so much from pain and sadness, but not telling them the truth is not the way we wanted to do this.

Tony takes many more naps during the day. Dr. Jacob feels that his high bilirubin count may be a sign that the masses may be growing in his liver. She has told him not to take the chemo pills that he was scheduled to begin this week. In her words, "it's just to much for him right now". The visitors continue to be a steady flow, and the outreach of kindness continues to grow. Our friends and neighborhood deserve the recognition that I hope the news segment can give them.

Having said that, thanks to all the guys for coming to our house for the 8th annual Feller Fantasy Football Draft this weekend, thanks for the meals (they are a tremendous help to me), thanks to those of you running errands for us and for all the phone calls of support, thanks to all of the family members who have come to offer support, and thanks for all of the prayers that I know are said everyday for us.

I need to get to sleep now.....I love watching him sleep because he looks so peaceful, but now it is my turn.
My love to you all,
Crystal

Thank goodness for comfortable chairs...

Still not getting the relief I am hoping for with the water retention, but on the positive side the chair we brought up into our living room remains rather comfortable and we have become a fairly decent pair.
I'm noticing that I need a couple of good naps each day which I believe comes from the pain meds, but everything else is really no different or no worse. When the pain comes it is usually in my lower back because it is taking a beating trying to support my back all day and night. I try to get up every couple of hours to stretch but after about ten to fifteen minutes my chair calls me to tell me to come put me legs up.
I have a conference call with Dr. Jacob tomorrow because I'm supposed to start some chemos soon and can not really imagine doing that right now. I need to get her take on this and see if she has an suggestions on how to start reversing this water.
There has been some very discouraging moments for me, but I'm really trying to stay positive. The visitors continue to help and we seem to have just the right amount of guests where I'm not overloaded, but get to have some really good visits.
More updates to come...

Love,

Tony

Status quo...

Through my journey with cancer I have always said that there has been so many positives that have occurred with my diagnosis. I have learned so many things about myself, about others, about how to be a better husband, father, son, brother and friend. I have learned that forgiving yourself and others is best way to get through tough life lessons. And right or wrong I've always felt like learning these lessons help contribute to the healing process. Looking back five years ago I am no where near the same man I was back then. Of course, I'm also not sure how many more "lessons" I have, because I'm ready to be cancer free and start living a "normal" life again (if there is such a thing). None the less I'll take them as they come.
I received a letter from an eight year old little, Clare Kitchin, this week. I hope she doesn't mind me publishing this letter, but I feel like this goes beyond a little girl and a cancer patient her parents know. Her letter reads as follows:
"Dear Tony Feller---I told some friends to pray for you. I really want you to feel better. My mom told me you were having cancer so at my 8th birthday party instead of presents I asked for money for your treatment. There were 10 girls that brought you money and here they are (there was a picture of all the girls)"
Needless to say a very touching card from a little girl with a tremendously big heart. Her father and mother, Greg and Stephanie, should be very proud of her, as am I, (not because it benefited my cause) but because she seems to understand as such a young age that a sacrifice in your life can make a difference in anothers. Giving up presents at age eight isn't easy.
Broken record as far as my health is concerned. I feel good, just still lots of fluid. Still finding it difficult to tell if we are making progress of not. Did some more IVs yesterday and last time I did those the next couple of days seemed to be better. I seem to be a little more tired than usual, which isn't the end of the world but would like to be a little more alert than I am during the day. I've had to stay on top of my pain medicine mainly because of my back pain from not getting up much. Getting up helps and I try to do that as often as possible, but my feet and legs swell up quickly when I'm up to long.
I'm obviously ready for a few more breakthroughs on the water retention, but I'm holding myself together the best I can mentally. More lessons in patience I guess...

More updates to come....

Love,

Tony

I haven't disappered....

I can't believe that my last blog was Sunday and I truly apologize for those that have no idea of my status. We are getting so much support I really want to keep people up to date.
Thankfully there is no big news. I'm still working hard to reduce the amount of the fluid from my abdomen down and (knock on wood) I think we are making some progress. My day to day motto hasn't changed so I'm keeping any positive results in perspective until we get to the point where I think we might have this tackled. Mentally though, seeing some progress has really helped. Sleeping at night seems to be getting easier and getting up for my short walks also seem to be getting easier. What little pain I have is under control (I'm not much for pain medicine) with very low doses. I'm sleeping at night with the assistance of an anxiety pill just to sort of relax me before I go to bed. Bed time continues to be the most difficult time for me because if I don't sleep the nights become so long. Recently I have been very blessed with good night's sleep so no complaints. I've started back on most of the protocol from Germany which I think helps all of this as well.
There continues to be a steady stream of visitors that come visit, but not to many that I am feeling overwhelmed. I do get tired during the day so I have got to have one or two short thirty minute naps to get me through the day. My body continues to be very good to me, but I also know I need to give it rest to do its job as well. So overall, I think the report right now is that I am doing well, my spirits remain high and I feel like we are making some progress each day.
On a different note, I can't go on much longer without recognizing my Fraternity brothers and how much they have rallied around me, especially for the fundraising event Sept 10. There are guys coming in from all of the country for this, some of which I haven't seen in over ten years, some of which I never personally knew (because they were older or younger than me when I was in college). I am more than humbled by not only their willingness to come, but also their generosity in the fundraising event itself.
If I've ever talked to you personally about my fundraising events you know I would tell you that these events can be difficult for me. Don't get me wrong, the fundraiser last August may have been one of the best days of my life, but it was because of all the people that came and the fun we had that night. It is an overwhelming feeling having so many people behind you and showing their support whether it's a close friend you keep in touch with, someone you haven't spoken to in years, or someone that I may not even know. My life has been blessed with so many good people, I know without a doubt that I would not be here without all of that support. So for the fundraiser, know my main goal is to have people show up and enjoy a night out with friends---the fundraising part will take care of itself. To my Fraternity brothers....I want to thank each and every one of you whether I see you on Sept 10th or not. What you guys are doing says so much about the type of guys we had in that Theta Chi house and I'm proud to be a part of that group. Looking forward to seeing each of you that are coming.

More updates to come....

Love,

Tony

Very tired, but a quick update regardless...

Whew.....what a weekend. I guess I need to be careful what I ask for because Crystal and I were blessed with non-stop visitors this weekend. I want to thank all of you that stopped by because I had a great time. No doubt I was worn out each evening, but I don't think I "over did it". The house was "alive", we had lots of laughs and overall the company just gave me a boost each day to make the most of and enjoy each day.
Saturday brought some Fraternity brothers that I have not seen for possibly ten to twelve years along with some of my closest high school friends. Many of the "neighborhood gang" was here Friday night to do some partying and play games after some of Crystal's family and my family stopped by in the afternoon. Eric and Doug, who went with me to Germany flew in from Charleston and Phoenix respectively for the day on Saturday along with my good friend Trevor Katz, who flew in from D.C. Today my aunt Kathleen was here and I made it out of the house to celebrate my nephews birthday at Crystal's brothers house. I had a great weekend and had a really hard time getting "down" with everyone around. Thanks to everyone for taking part in the weekend...our recycling bins haven't been this full with bottles and cans in a long time.
The schedule remains busy this week, but the days will be much slower which will allow me to get a little more rest and work done during the day while I visit at night. Looking forward to seeing everyone that has called to come this week!!
From a health standpoint I feel really good. Not sure if it is because of all the people or because my body is doing better, but I do really feel good. My biggest problem continues to be the water retention from my abdomen down. If I could get a little relief from the swelling I would really be doing well. I am on some pain medication, but not much, just enough I think to take the edge off. I was getting a little frustrated yesterday from the swelling because it didn't seem to be getting better, but I saw a few signs today that maybe we are making some progress. A day at a time...
Crystal and I had a conference call with Dr. Jacob and she remains positive with what we are doing and believes that this swelling will subside. Not sure how long it will take, but she thinks the water will eventually work its way out--this is what the removab is supposed to be doing. She wanted me to get back on her protocol as soon as possible since some of things she wants me to do may help. She also talked to the Removab lab and the fluid she sent in from my abdomen was cancer free and from some of the tests she performed my immune system seems to be getting stronger.
Lots of positive news, but again, until I see some results it's going to be difficult for me or the doctors here to believe her (probably a little harder for the latter). So again, I'm taking a day at a time and we'll see what happens.
Overall the report is pretty good. My spirits are up, I feel good with the exception of the swelling, and I'm having a great time with family and friends.
More updates to come...

Love,

Tony

Home and new status...

Crystal and I apologize for the lack of an update for several days. This has been a physically and emotionally difficult week so we've had many people here for support to help us through.
I'll try to catch everyone up quickly, without being to long winded.
Even though the doctors probably would have sent me home on Tuesday, I told them that I would not leave the hospital in the condition I was in. I was having some new chest pain, everything below my abdomen was extremely swollen so I didn't really feel like going home was a good idea. Once all the tests results came back negative for anything new, I decided to load up on the pain meds to get me through the night and maybe getting home would be the medicine I needed to really pick me up.
I felt a little better Wednesday morning, got up and showered which is always a big accomplishment and decided it was time to go home. Even if more could be done for me, it wasn't going to be done at the IU Med Center, so I told the doctors I was ready to go home. We finalized our hospice program on Wednesday morning which basically is a program that is a middle man between my doctor and myself from a comfort control aspect. We now have a nice new bed in our living room that I sleep in, they send me all my meds so we don't need to go to the pharmacy and they have nurses, counselors, pastors, etc. come in as you need them to make sure me and my family are comfortable, both physically and emotionally.
Honestly, I didn't think this would ever happen. We've been very sad just with the thought of having this type of program, but it also doesn't mean I can't turn this around and soon have that bed out of our living room. The discouraging part is that from Dr. Jacob's standpoint things are going okay (we think we have stabilized the disease), but here in Indiana there is more gloom and doom. They are not sure any of my current symptoms will get better and may even get worse. So I think what Crystal and I are doing are getting prepared for the possibility of this not getting better, but still remaining very, very hopeful that this can be turned around. The treatment in Germany is experimental so I don't think any of us know exactly what is going to happen.
Bottom line is I think if you have read my journal long enough or know me that I will NEVER give up on beating this, but at the same time there has become a reality of the situation where it only makes sense while I am feeling good to make sure any plans that need to be made are made. I am literally taking a day at a time, knowing I will have some good ones and some bad ones and go from there.
Since I have been back from the hospital I have felt really good. I really do think getting home made a big difference. My biggest problem remains my walking. I am so swollen that I can barely walk. I still get winded walking short distances, but my breathing is much better. I am taking some pain meds to keep some of the pain under control and it has been working.
I have decided that what I want the most right now is to open up the house and have people around. If for some reason I don't snap out of this I want to make sure I enjoyed myself as much as I could. My wish thus far has been granted and we have had people around all week, people coming in this weekend, etc. We continue to fill up the schedule which has been great. Something for me to look forward to each day, keep me smiling, and positive.
I'm still on some antibiotics and once those are complete going to continue my Germany protocol and plan to be out there in October feeling much better just as planned.
Not sure how people will take this blog, not an easy one to write. We remain very hopeful, with an attitude that we will never give up, but also don't want to ignore the reality of the current situation. I love you all for the continued support given to me, Crystal, Ashley and William. We are certainly blessed.
More updates to come...

Love,

Tony

Racking up the points at the Marriott....

If I have to be at the hospital, I guess I'm fortunate that I'm in the new hospital rooms at the IU Med Center. I've asked if I receive Marriott points to stay here, but unfortunately I don't. Although it is nice, I also say that it's really sad that we need to build these types of structures in the US for our cancer patients. I know we can't help everyone, but the more I am here the more my eyes are opened to how tunnel visioned we are here with our cancer care and how sad it is we don't have cures for so many cancers. Tonight is not the time or place for me to get started, I just find it discouraging.
So today cancer took away my ability to see my grandmother's funeral and to go to the annual school ice cream social to see who Ashley's teacher will be this school year. Tomorrow cancer will take away my ability to watch my daughter get on the bus to start her year as a second grader. If cancer doesn't know me by now, I may get discouraged or disappointed by these things, but in the big scheme of things I'm not going to let it set me back. I'm not going to let the disappointment outweigh my ability to stay strong and fight back to get back on my feet and start swinging again. We've had some tough days lately both physically and emotionally. Crystal and I spent some time today talking and although both of us are a little more scared and discouraged these days, we have a lot of fight left in us.
The biggest problem right now is my swelling. My legs and ankles are huge and I'm not really sure why we can't get some of that to start going away. My energy levels and coloring is better, but my urine is still really dark which is a concern and the pain in my right side has returned.....I'm hoping we don't need a "do over" on the ERCP procedure I had on Saturday. They want to try to send me home tomorrow, but I'll have to wait until the team of "white coats" come in tomorrow earlier than rooster crows. I'm off to bed...another restful night in the Marriott.
More updates to come....

Love,

Tony

No witty words, just an update

Today is Sunday...it is weird how you forget what day it is when you sit in a hospital room all day. No exciting news. Tony slept all day yesterday from bring put under for his stent replacement. That went well. Today he woke up with some back pain which he has not experienced since before we went to Germany. He got the blood transfusion to boost his hemoglobin and iron levels. His bilirubin count has gone down to 10 which the lower the number the better. His skin is returning to a more normal color. His eyes are still yellow, but that will improve as the days go on as well.

They have given him some Lasix (don't know if I spelled that right?) to help flush out all of the fluid that he is retaining. His legs and feet (and other body parts I won't mention) are very enlarged due to fluid retention. The down side to lasix is he has to get up to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so.

The blood cultures all showed different kinds of bacteria in his bloodstream, so he is still on 3 antibiotics. He has not had a fever, but they are closely monitoring his heart rate (which has run a tad high at times) and his blood pressure (which has run a tad low). They are looking at at least Tuesday they think before he gets out of here.

He cant be released until his WBC is normal, no longer showing signs of infection, remains fever free once off the IV antibiotics, and has normal HR and blood pressure. Ashley will be sad that he will not see her get on the bus for her first day of school Tuesday, but she will understand.

Our kids are kind of resilient like that. They came to the hospital today to see Tony. Even with 6 bags of IV's going and a blood transfusion going on...not one single question. This is our kids "norm". I really believe that has been such a part of why they are such sensitive kids. Tony has taught them many things and their sensitivity is my absolute favorite.

Tony really wanted to go to his grandmother's funeral, but that was just not possible. His sister, Tonya, and her three kids have moved back to Indiana. She came today as well to see him. It is good to have her back as she is another support person for him emotionally!!

That's it for now....time to run..more posts tomorrow.
Love to you all, (thanks Lisa for watching the kids today and to Sherri Kraft for dinner Monday:)

Crystal

Finding out the facts...

Quick update to everyone~
Tony was up about every 1.5 hours throughout the night....welcome to "sleeping" in the hospital right? He had another breathing episode @ 3:30 this morning which lasted about 20 minutes. It's hard to sleep here because of all the nurses have to check on him throughout the night...but it is comforting to be here so closely monitored.

His tests from yesterday indicated his stent was clogged. The ERCP doctor came in at 8am and said he would be ready soon. The good news about being here on a Saturday is that there really is not the back up of patients that you run into during the week. So by 9am they came and took him down.

The nurse just told me that it went well (10:30am) and that they replaced the stent and got rid of tiny stones they found stuck in the very tiny biliary vessels. These stones would also add to the jaundice and discomfort. He should be up to room in about a half hour.

The IU med center has a very nice recently opened addition to its cancer center. Our room is very nice and much more comfortable then we usually get here. The nurses and residents have been great. A special thanks to the best nurse in the world, Kellie Dann, who helps out Tony's oncologist here. She played a critical role in getting Tony into a room ASAP. She is a special angel we have here on Earth.

Tony is still hoping that he can go to his grandmother's viewing tomorrow from 4-8pm. I am not sure if he will be released by then or if it is even a good idea that he go. We know he has an infection that he is now on antibiotics for, and his immune system is highly compromised at the moment. Personally, I have told him to shoot for making the funeral Monday morning. He is stubborn (but so am I) so we shall see????

Our kids were well taken care of yesterday (thanks to all the great dance team moms) and treated to dinner and ice cream by the Gerigs. Tony's dad and stepmother took them back to Richmond with them. My plan is to get them Sunday morning after mass. We have decided that they will not be going to the calling. It was a tough decision, but one that we feel is the right one at the given time.

Thanks for all of your well wishes and kind messages. Tony laughed at me last night because this hospital has blocked the use of facebook from its internet. He said I may experience withdrawals (and he was kind of right...ha ha). I am able to get facebook messages on my phone, so thank you to all of you have have sent us messages.

That's all for now. We will update more as we know more information.
Love,
Crystal