What a difference a week makes. This week I feel like a finally turned the corner and started getting out of my "mood". With everything going on in my life right now I think I just needed a week or two to be upset. I consider myself a really positive person, but I guess every now and then I need to be grumpy too. I feel good again, physically and emotionally, ready to tackle another week.
My last day of chemo is tomorrow which will end my second two week cycle since coming home from Germany. As much as I hate to write this, seems like I feel better on the weeks I'm on chemo than the weeks I'm not on chemo. I'm not sure if the medication plays havoc with my hormones or not, but I'll be more attentive to how I feel these next couple of weeks while not on chemo. Seems logical to feel better when I'm not on chemo, but maybe I've got it all wrong.
I've always been good at listening to what my body tells me and learning how I feel from the things I do. The pain in my chest hasn't completely gone away but I think I may have found that some medication I'm taking is causing some of that pain. I won't go into details, but I'm hoping based on my detective work and really paying attention to the pain, when I get it, the intensity, etc that I have found the culprit. We'll see as the weeks pass, but I still have a difficult time believing that my tumors would be doing this to me. Regardless, we'll find out in a month either way.
As I've mentioned recently, my return trip to Germany is first week in May. Crystal and I have decided that she needs to stay home this go round. She is extremely busy at the school and eventhough we get lots of help, we understand it's difficult on the people taking care of our kids and the kids themselves. I'm not planning on any surprises this trip so I think this is probably a good one to "sit out" for her. She was having a difficult time with this decision until my two latest room mates stepped up.
Two of my very good friends, Eric Graham and Doug Haller, are going to join me this trip. Eric is going to take the first leg, while Doug plans on taking the second week. Their trips will overlap a couple of days so the three of us will be together for a short time, which will be nice since we all three live in different states. We don't get to see each other very often, so why not Germany right? I want to thank Eric and Doug (and their wives, Nicole and Sonja) for not hesitating one moment when I posed the question. Both men are very busy with their jobs and families so I know getting away wasn't as easy as they made it sound. These guys are special and I know that no matter what happens over there I'll be in good hands. I also need to mention that my airline ticket to Germany was donated this week by a friend of mine. I continue to be amazed and blessed with great friends and family who are willing to be part of this journey with me.
Quick update on work since I've been vocal about my work load...finally feeling like I'm making some progress. I'm still extremely busy, but not to the point of being totally consumed by my job. I took a couple of nights off last week and worked a little less this weekend. If we weren't going on vacation next week I probably would have worked less, but I'm still trying to wrap up loose ends before the end of this week so I can feel good about where things stand while I'm gone. I definitely don't have that overwhelming feeling like I did just a few weeks ago.
That's my short update for the week. I'll continue to keep people posted.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Getting out of my funk...
I'm not sure what it is, but this past week was one of my more difficult weeks in awhile. We've all been there, those times where you just don't want to do anything, don't really care about anything, not very fun to be around, etc. I didn't even fill out a meaningful NCAA bracket if that tells you anything. I guess they call that depression, but I hate to use that word. Whatever I decide to call it, I had it this past week.
I think there is a variety of reasons that have caused my so called depression this week. Probably the biggest contributor has been this pain in my chest. Last week when I wrote the pain had been lingering for several days and it never subsided throughout the week. The longer I have it, the more concerned I become. I can't say I'm not concerned right now, but I'm really trying to stay positive and not letting my worry or fear manifest something that doesn't exist right now. The pain won't go away so I broke down and sent Dr. Jacob an e-mail late in the week asking her what she thought. Unfortunately her reply didn't really help, since she told me to take some heartburn medicine and if that didn't help it could be my tumors. Not exactly the response I was hoping for, but I guess that's one reason I like her--she's going to tell you things you may not always want to hear. I think hearing that response from her in person would have been better since I'm sure we could have talked more about it, so I tried to keep that in perspective when I read her reply. She also said that we'll find out regardless when I return in May. My take away is there isn't anything we are going to change in the next five weeks, so let's keep fighting through this and see where we are in May. Each day this week I have accepted the pain a little more and continue to tell myself that it doesn't have to be the tumors. For now, this is another good, but not very enjoyable, lesson for me.
Believe it or not the weather this week didn't really help my "depression." Saint Patrick's Day was a perfect day...one of those days when you leave work you just want to sit outside with friends and enjoy some cocktails. I left work a little early to make sure I was home for Ashley when she got off the bus. Instead of taking advantage of the beautiful day, I decided to feel sorry for myself for the things I couldn't do because of my cancer. Crystal was out with friends enjoying the day, which she should, but of course I was a little jealous. I was home with the kids not feeling good, tired, and worrying about my chest pain. Soon I was eating dinner with the kids and while I had my hands in my face Ashley asked me what was wrong. I told her I was tired and didn't really feel like going out that night (Crystal was coming home with some of our friends and we were planning to go see Mike and Joe (my Fraternity brothers who play in a band) later that evening). Ashley simply said, "well stay home. Dad you always tell me to do the right thing, so why don't you just do the right thing." Ashley didn't know it, but those words from her was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. I got a little tear in my eye and I said "Ashley, you're right I am going to do the right thing."
So I went out. I needed to try to have some fun and seeing Mike and Joe again was really good for me. They are as good now as they were fifteen years ago and hearing them brought back great memories. Fifteen years ago I would been front and center dancing like an idiot about fifteen beers in with several more to go (and I wonder how I got cancer?). No beer or dancing this go around, but it really felt good to be there. There were a couple of the Fraternity brothers there and I had a chance to talk too Mike as well which was nice. These guys remain so supportive of me after all these years which continues to amaze me. I'm glad "I did the right thing" that night...went out and had some fun, but still got home early enough to not ruin my next day at work.
Speaking of work, that is probably the last piece of the puzzle in my "depression." I continue to work too many hours and decided last week based on my chest pain that maybe my body is really trying to tell me something. In response to my body, I took a couple nights off last week and the other nights I shut down at 10:30 rather than 11:30. Each week I feel like I'm getting a little closer to seeing some light, but the work load remains taxing. I've decided I'll do what I can, but I will not allow myself to stress over work or let it effect my health. That's the depressing part for me because not getting it done is not my personality, but apparently another lesson I haven't learned yet. I'm starting to get some assistance at work and I each day I do get closer to getting out of my hole. Two more weeks and I'm taking a much needed vacation with Crystal and the kids on their spring break. Not sure I can describe how much I'm looking forward to that week.
I guess that's what has put me in this "funk"...I'm sure some of my medications effect me emotionally as well. Little things have happened every day last week that I see as little signs in getting me back on track though. Notably I had a nice conversation with a friend at my naturopaths on Friday. She continued to remind me about many of the successes we have had and the power of our minds. My meditation this morning brought me the verse "I am entitled to miracles", which seemed like good timing as well. I've always been good at bouncing back and I don't intend to stop that trait now.
As always, we'll see how this week goes. I feel like I'm turning the corner and getting out of my funk, hopefully that will be true this week.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
I think there is a variety of reasons that have caused my so called depression this week. Probably the biggest contributor has been this pain in my chest. Last week when I wrote the pain had been lingering for several days and it never subsided throughout the week. The longer I have it, the more concerned I become. I can't say I'm not concerned right now, but I'm really trying to stay positive and not letting my worry or fear manifest something that doesn't exist right now. The pain won't go away so I broke down and sent Dr. Jacob an e-mail late in the week asking her what she thought. Unfortunately her reply didn't really help, since she told me to take some heartburn medicine and if that didn't help it could be my tumors. Not exactly the response I was hoping for, but I guess that's one reason I like her--she's going to tell you things you may not always want to hear. I think hearing that response from her in person would have been better since I'm sure we could have talked more about it, so I tried to keep that in perspective when I read her reply. She also said that we'll find out regardless when I return in May. My take away is there isn't anything we are going to change in the next five weeks, so let's keep fighting through this and see where we are in May. Each day this week I have accepted the pain a little more and continue to tell myself that it doesn't have to be the tumors. For now, this is another good, but not very enjoyable, lesson for me.
Believe it or not the weather this week didn't really help my "depression." Saint Patrick's Day was a perfect day...one of those days when you leave work you just want to sit outside with friends and enjoy some cocktails. I left work a little early to make sure I was home for Ashley when she got off the bus. Instead of taking advantage of the beautiful day, I decided to feel sorry for myself for the things I couldn't do because of my cancer. Crystal was out with friends enjoying the day, which she should, but of course I was a little jealous. I was home with the kids not feeling good, tired, and worrying about my chest pain. Soon I was eating dinner with the kids and while I had my hands in my face Ashley asked me what was wrong. I told her I was tired and didn't really feel like going out that night (Crystal was coming home with some of our friends and we were planning to go see Mike and Joe (my Fraternity brothers who play in a band) later that evening). Ashley simply said, "well stay home. Dad you always tell me to do the right thing, so why don't you just do the right thing." Ashley didn't know it, but those words from her was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. I got a little tear in my eye and I said "Ashley, you're right I am going to do the right thing."
So I went out. I needed to try to have some fun and seeing Mike and Joe again was really good for me. They are as good now as they were fifteen years ago and hearing them brought back great memories. Fifteen years ago I would been front and center dancing like an idiot about fifteen beers in with several more to go (and I wonder how I got cancer?). No beer or dancing this go around, but it really felt good to be there. There were a couple of the Fraternity brothers there and I had a chance to talk too Mike as well which was nice. These guys remain so supportive of me after all these years which continues to amaze me. I'm glad "I did the right thing" that night...went out and had some fun, but still got home early enough to not ruin my next day at work.
Speaking of work, that is probably the last piece of the puzzle in my "depression." I continue to work too many hours and decided last week based on my chest pain that maybe my body is really trying to tell me something. In response to my body, I took a couple nights off last week and the other nights I shut down at 10:30 rather than 11:30. Each week I feel like I'm getting a little closer to seeing some light, but the work load remains taxing. I've decided I'll do what I can, but I will not allow myself to stress over work or let it effect my health. That's the depressing part for me because not getting it done is not my personality, but apparently another lesson I haven't learned yet. I'm starting to get some assistance at work and I each day I do get closer to getting out of my hole. Two more weeks and I'm taking a much needed vacation with Crystal and the kids on their spring break. Not sure I can describe how much I'm looking forward to that week.
I guess that's what has put me in this "funk"...I'm sure some of my medications effect me emotionally as well. Little things have happened every day last week that I see as little signs in getting me back on track though. Notably I had a nice conversation with a friend at my naturopaths on Friday. She continued to remind me about many of the successes we have had and the power of our minds. My meditation this morning brought me the verse "I am entitled to miracles", which seemed like good timing as well. I've always been good at bouncing back and I don't intend to stop that trait now.
As always, we'll see how this week goes. I feel like I'm turning the corner and getting out of my funk, hopefully that will be true this week.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Two quick weeks...
I'm getting really bad at sending regular updates so I apologize for those following along that wonder how I am doing. I know there are many people out there thinking about me, which I appreciate and this journal has always been one way to show my appreciation by trying to keep everyone informed.
I have slowed down a little, but no where near where I would like to be. Don't get me wrong, I like being busy and I'm really happy that I am able to physically tolerate being busy, but I still need some balance like everyone else. A day here and there is fine, but I don't want to look back on any day and wish I could have spent my time differently. Cancer definitely has given me perspective over the past few years, and I know what seems important some days is really insignificant in the big scheme of things. I'm doing my best to try not to get sucked back into those days where the daily grind is my main focus. Seems like I've been saying this quite a bit, but we'll see what happens this week.
Overall I can't complain to much about my health the last two weeks. I've been off chemo for two weeks and have felt okay. As soon as I went off the chemo up until middle of last week I felt really bloated and my belly was a little distended. Didn't really cause any pain or loss of appetite, more of a nuisance and uncomfortable at times. I did send an e-mail to Dr. Jacob and she felt like the chemo could be causing that problem. I also asked her about my injections too and we have decided to reduce one of my injections to every other week since they seem to knock me out 36 hours after I take them. She thinks that will help alleviate that problem.
I've also been having some chest pain, which I have not talked to Dr. Jacob about. I can't imagine that it would be due to the cancer, but I'm in a battle with a mental disease so not worrying about it is easier said than done. I don't have any shortness of breath or difficulty breathing, it's almost like a cross between heartburn and a pulled muscle. Again, nothing I can't tolerate, but to be honest it's been a tough one for me to cope with the past few days. Just one more example of how easy this disease can be when everything is going well and you are feeling great. Staying "up" when you are not feeling your best can be a real challenge. Maybe the pain is from the chemo or maybe I really did pull a muscle...who knows, but it has made me a tad grumpy the past few days. I'm trying really hard to remain positive and I still know there are to many things going right to have something go wrong. Still, times like these just really wish for the days when I don't have to think about having cancer.
I did get blood tests back last week and everything is still good. One of my liver enzyme levels went up a little, but that actually didn't surprise me much based on the chemo I took. Still nothing like it used to be in the past, so no real surprises. I start chemo again this week for another two week cycle. Once again, not exactly excited that my two week lay off is over, but I seem to tolerate this chemo fairly well so I'll take the pills with a smile.
The last two weeks I have been able to spend some time with family and friends. William was really sick two weeks ago with the flu so we didn't get out much last weekend as a family, but were able to be home together. Crystal had a girls night out with some friends and chaperoned a sleep over with Ashley's dance team last weekend, while I went to see some of my high school friends. Crystal and I took turns taking care of Will and eventually saw each other on Sunday. This weekend was a party with some friends, Ashley's dance competition and a Sunday outside. In between we tried to get some things done around the house...two pretty good weekends with little to complain about.
The only other bit of news is I have nailed down the date I return to Germany. I go back May 5th and will more than likely be there for over a week. I should know for sure my scheduled return date tomorrow. I'm not sure why, but we are not going to use the new antibody when I return this trip. I haven't discussed this with Dr. Jacob, her assistant sent me a message, so I'm planning on a trip similar to the one in January. I'll probably have two treatments with Dr. Vogl in the hospital and lots of recovery meds in the clinic. I knew a May visit was really pushing my ability to receive the new antibody since it's release was scheduled some time in April, so I'll find out more when I get there. Of course I've developed lots of questions about this antibody since January, so I think I'll feel better being able to discuss them with Dr. Jacob again before going right into a treatment. Everything works out for a reason, I'm sure this is no exception.
That's it for now...I'll try to avoid the long lay-offs from this journal again. As always I appreciate everyone's well wishes and their continued support.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
I have slowed down a little, but no where near where I would like to be. Don't get me wrong, I like being busy and I'm really happy that I am able to physically tolerate being busy, but I still need some balance like everyone else. A day here and there is fine, but I don't want to look back on any day and wish I could have spent my time differently. Cancer definitely has given me perspective over the past few years, and I know what seems important some days is really insignificant in the big scheme of things. I'm doing my best to try not to get sucked back into those days where the daily grind is my main focus. Seems like I've been saying this quite a bit, but we'll see what happens this week.
Overall I can't complain to much about my health the last two weeks. I've been off chemo for two weeks and have felt okay. As soon as I went off the chemo up until middle of last week I felt really bloated and my belly was a little distended. Didn't really cause any pain or loss of appetite, more of a nuisance and uncomfortable at times. I did send an e-mail to Dr. Jacob and she felt like the chemo could be causing that problem. I also asked her about my injections too and we have decided to reduce one of my injections to every other week since they seem to knock me out 36 hours after I take them. She thinks that will help alleviate that problem.
I've also been having some chest pain, which I have not talked to Dr. Jacob about. I can't imagine that it would be due to the cancer, but I'm in a battle with a mental disease so not worrying about it is easier said than done. I don't have any shortness of breath or difficulty breathing, it's almost like a cross between heartburn and a pulled muscle. Again, nothing I can't tolerate, but to be honest it's been a tough one for me to cope with the past few days. Just one more example of how easy this disease can be when everything is going well and you are feeling great. Staying "up" when you are not feeling your best can be a real challenge. Maybe the pain is from the chemo or maybe I really did pull a muscle...who knows, but it has made me a tad grumpy the past few days. I'm trying really hard to remain positive and I still know there are to many things going right to have something go wrong. Still, times like these just really wish for the days when I don't have to think about having cancer.
I did get blood tests back last week and everything is still good. One of my liver enzyme levels went up a little, but that actually didn't surprise me much based on the chemo I took. Still nothing like it used to be in the past, so no real surprises. I start chemo again this week for another two week cycle. Once again, not exactly excited that my two week lay off is over, but I seem to tolerate this chemo fairly well so I'll take the pills with a smile.
The last two weeks I have been able to spend some time with family and friends. William was really sick two weeks ago with the flu so we didn't get out much last weekend as a family, but were able to be home together. Crystal had a girls night out with some friends and chaperoned a sleep over with Ashley's dance team last weekend, while I went to see some of my high school friends. Crystal and I took turns taking care of Will and eventually saw each other on Sunday. This weekend was a party with some friends, Ashley's dance competition and a Sunday outside. In between we tried to get some things done around the house...two pretty good weekends with little to complain about.
The only other bit of news is I have nailed down the date I return to Germany. I go back May 5th and will more than likely be there for over a week. I should know for sure my scheduled return date tomorrow. I'm not sure why, but we are not going to use the new antibody when I return this trip. I haven't discussed this with Dr. Jacob, her assistant sent me a message, so I'm planning on a trip similar to the one in January. I'll probably have two treatments with Dr. Vogl in the hospital and lots of recovery meds in the clinic. I knew a May visit was really pushing my ability to receive the new antibody since it's release was scheduled some time in April, so I'll find out more when I get there. Of course I've developed lots of questions about this antibody since January, so I think I'll feel better being able to discuss them with Dr. Jacob again before going right into a treatment. Everything works out for a reason, I'm sure this is no exception.
That's it for now...I'll try to avoid the long lay-offs from this journal again. As always I appreciate everyone's well wishes and their continued support.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Spring is here?
I've talked about this day for to long for me not to mention it, so happy March 1st to everyone. In spring like fashion we brought March in with a sunny, breezy, and frigid day, but nonetheless I know these days will be coming to an end soon. Another busy week for me. Work has not slowed much, but at least I feel like I'm starting to climb out of the hole. Every week brings something new, so we'll see how things are at the end of this week.
I'm a couple hours away from my last three chemo pills for another two weeks. The past few days I haven't felt great, but I'm functioning and hoping that I'll start feeling better once the chemo stops. I plan on e-mailing Dr. Jacob this week because I'm beginning to wonder if the injections I receive on Wednesday night effect how I feel over the weekend. This is the second week in a row where I felt pretty bad on Friday, start to feel better Saturday and finally feel a little more like myself on Sunday. Last week wasn't as bad as this one, so I need to tell Dr. Jacob what is going on to see if she has any thoughts. I drew some blood Friday as well to see where my levels are just to make sure there isn't anything going on I can see. I'm getting pretty good at reading blood tests these days, which is a little sad, but effective when I need the information.
Crystal and Ashley were away at Ashley's dance competition this weekend, so the guys weekend with William didn't go exactly as planned. I was hoping we could do something fun Friday night, but instead I found myself on the couch asking Will to get me things. He is an amazing kid, so content and happy to "go with the flow". He didn't know I had plans for us, so he wasn't as disappointed as I was, but these are the times where I wish I wasn't dealing with my illness. Things aren't as bad as they used to be where I was afraid to put anything on the calendar in fear that I wouldn't be feeling good, but I was reminded this weekend that those times can still occur.
I had plans Saturday to get together with my some of my cousins, dad and grandfather to play cards. William came along to be with the guys, but mostly to hang out with grandma for the day. I wasn't feeling my best, but would have had to be in really bad shape to miss Saturday. The company was great and the cards were pretty good, so I really enjoyed the day. Being with those guys was good for my health...lots of laughs. We got home late Saturday night and by Sunday morning I was starting to feel more like myself again. Crystal and Ashley were home from their competition in Dayton where the girls performed really well. Overall the weekend was a success for everyone.
Quick story before I close tonight. Like most parents, I want to be able to shape my kids with some of my beliefs regarding some of the tougher subjects including God and death. Since the day I was diagnosed I've always tried to find subtle ways in general conversation that may help explain to them my beliefs on God and death. One of my biggest fears of dying is not being able to share with my children how I feel about death, but unfortunately I don't believe they are old enough to understand. We have had conversations that focused on God or on death, but those conversations don't occur often and are not ones I push unless Ashley or William ask. When those times do occur though, I look forward to the challenge of simplifying my beliefs for their understanding.
This week I was getting William ready for bed and I thought one of those moments had come. Out of no where he asks me "when Sampson (our cat) gets old he goes to see God, right?" My immediate thought was that I wasn't quite prepared for this conversation at the moment, but I'll go with it and see where this takes us. I got down on my knee and told him he was right, that Sampson will go see God when he gets old. Will looked at me and said "I'm sure going to miss Sampson." I pulled him close to me and told him that I will miss him too, but God will take good care of him. I was thinking this was a pretty important moment and wanted to choose my words carefully. Before I could continue this "serious talk" with my son, Will says "I can't wait to get another pet dad." With a big smile on my face, our "serious talk" came to an end and I was left wondering how great it would be to be able to think like a four year old again.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
I'm a couple hours away from my last three chemo pills for another two weeks. The past few days I haven't felt great, but I'm functioning and hoping that I'll start feeling better once the chemo stops. I plan on e-mailing Dr. Jacob this week because I'm beginning to wonder if the injections I receive on Wednesday night effect how I feel over the weekend. This is the second week in a row where I felt pretty bad on Friday, start to feel better Saturday and finally feel a little more like myself on Sunday. Last week wasn't as bad as this one, so I need to tell Dr. Jacob what is going on to see if she has any thoughts. I drew some blood Friday as well to see where my levels are just to make sure there isn't anything going on I can see. I'm getting pretty good at reading blood tests these days, which is a little sad, but effective when I need the information.
Crystal and Ashley were away at Ashley's dance competition this weekend, so the guys weekend with William didn't go exactly as planned. I was hoping we could do something fun Friday night, but instead I found myself on the couch asking Will to get me things. He is an amazing kid, so content and happy to "go with the flow". He didn't know I had plans for us, so he wasn't as disappointed as I was, but these are the times where I wish I wasn't dealing with my illness. Things aren't as bad as they used to be where I was afraid to put anything on the calendar in fear that I wouldn't be feeling good, but I was reminded this weekend that those times can still occur.
I had plans Saturday to get together with my some of my cousins, dad and grandfather to play cards. William came along to be with the guys, but mostly to hang out with grandma for the day. I wasn't feeling my best, but would have had to be in really bad shape to miss Saturday. The company was great and the cards were pretty good, so I really enjoyed the day. Being with those guys was good for my health...lots of laughs. We got home late Saturday night and by Sunday morning I was starting to feel more like myself again. Crystal and Ashley were home from their competition in Dayton where the girls performed really well. Overall the weekend was a success for everyone.
Quick story before I close tonight. Like most parents, I want to be able to shape my kids with some of my beliefs regarding some of the tougher subjects including God and death. Since the day I was diagnosed I've always tried to find subtle ways in general conversation that may help explain to them my beliefs on God and death. One of my biggest fears of dying is not being able to share with my children how I feel about death, but unfortunately I don't believe they are old enough to understand. We have had conversations that focused on God or on death, but those conversations don't occur often and are not ones I push unless Ashley or William ask. When those times do occur though, I look forward to the challenge of simplifying my beliefs for their understanding.
This week I was getting William ready for bed and I thought one of those moments had come. Out of no where he asks me "when Sampson (our cat) gets old he goes to see God, right?" My immediate thought was that I wasn't quite prepared for this conversation at the moment, but I'll go with it and see where this takes us. I got down on my knee and told him he was right, that Sampson will go see God when he gets old. Will looked at me and said "I'm sure going to miss Sampson." I pulled him close to me and told him that I will miss him too, but God will take good care of him. I was thinking this was a pretty important moment and wanted to choose my words carefully. Before I could continue this "serious talk" with my son, Will says "I can't wait to get another pet dad." With a big smile on my face, our "serious talk" came to an end and I was left wondering how great it would be to be able to think like a four year old again.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
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