Today went much like the past several days--relatively uneventful. I met with the wound team at the hospital hoping I would be patched up, but left as I arrived in the exact same condition. Either I'm a terrible listener or they never communicated to me what exactly I was going to be doing today. Basically they wanted to make sure the healing process was progressing and the infection was gone. They were satisfied on both, but said I could expect another 4-6 weeks before the wound completely heals. I'm obviously happy that the wound is healing, but not looking forward to the two a day packings Dr. Crystal will continue to perform over the next couple of weeks before I return for another check-up. I think I asked three times if the incision will really close and heal on its own and the answer yes remained the same every time. The body can do amazing things, I will find it fascinating to watch this hole in my gut close from the inside out and eventually close in the next few weeks.
After my appointment I went to my naturopath to get an IV and my injections. Today we did chelation, which is an IV that helps flush the heavy metals out of your body. This was significant because it was the first real chelation treatment I have ever had. Because of my pump we have not been able to do chelation therapy, something both my naturopath and Dr. Jacob in Germany were anxious for me to start as soon as I could. My naturopath, Dr. Teverbaugh, has wanted to do chelation from the day I saw her, but we have always had the pump standing in our way. Not now. The therapy made me a little tired, but there is no doubt it's needed based on my blood tests and all the chemo I have had over the past four years. Getting these heavy metals out of my system is one more step to getting my body to function effectively.
Now I'm home Thanksgiving Eve looking forward to the four day weekend and spending time with family and friends. Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday...nothing is better than spending time with family and friends, watching football and eating. Each Thanksgiving over the past few years has become more special to me because I really feel like each year I have a better understanding of what is really important and how many true blessings I really do have. It's not about the turkey or the shopping (now there are sales Thanksgiving day--which is really sad--only in America) or the football or how much "stuff"we own or the money in our bank account. Being on this earth with Crystal , Ashley and William and the rest of my family and friends is what is most important to me. I am thankful that I am able to continue to be part of people's lives and am so thankful for so many people allowing me to be a part of their lives. Not that I think this is my last, but I would be lying if I didn't wonder every time a holiday rolls around if this one could be my last. I live with cancer, but none of us know if this could be our last. Because of this I really try to enjoy the moment and the time off to reflect on how thankful I really am...for my health, my wife, kids, relatives and friends. At the end of the day all that matters is how those relationships enhanced my life. This year I am especially thankful for all the people that have been so supportive to us and have chosen to take interest in our journey. Crystal and I would not be doing as well as we are without all of you, I say this without a doubt and we will be forever thankful for the support. I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and also have time to reflect on what is truly important to you too.
More updates to come.
Love,
Tony
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Not much to report...
My lack of writing the past several days has mainly been due to not having much to report. Overall I seem to be feeling better each day. I'm slowly gaining back some energy and starting to feel more like myself. Staying up past 10:00 pm is no longer a problem...a week ago staying up past 9:00 pm was nearly impossible. I did struggle to stay awake for the Colts game Sunday night so I still have some work to do to get back in full form.
Dr. Crystal has been changing the dressing on my incision twice a day. She says the pocket seems to be getting better along with the swelling and redness (which have completely vanished). Taking the gauze out and putting new gauze in the pocket is not my favorite activity, but the pain has gotten better over the past several days and I now consider it tolerable. I go into the hospital tomorrow to have the wound team look at me to see what the next step is going to be. Crystal still believes they are going to need to stitch me up since there is still a fairly good size gap in my abdomen. I honestly have not seen it so can't really describe what I'm dealing with. Crystal took pictures one day in amazement and has shown some people (including me) which I find somewhat disturbing. As always I'm trying to be patient, but really just want them to stitch me up and let this thing heal so I can move on. We'll see what they say tomorrow and I'll keep everyone posted.
So believe it or not, that's all I have tonight. I'll write tomorrow after I return from the doctor, just wanted everyone to know that we are doing ok and have had a relatively uneventful week thus far. Looking forward to the long weekend this week.
More updates to come.
Love,
Tony
Dr. Crystal has been changing the dressing on my incision twice a day. She says the pocket seems to be getting better along with the swelling and redness (which have completely vanished). Taking the gauze out and putting new gauze in the pocket is not my favorite activity, but the pain has gotten better over the past several days and I now consider it tolerable. I go into the hospital tomorrow to have the wound team look at me to see what the next step is going to be. Crystal still believes they are going to need to stitch me up since there is still a fairly good size gap in my abdomen. I honestly have not seen it so can't really describe what I'm dealing with. Crystal took pictures one day in amazement and has shown some people (including me) which I find somewhat disturbing. As always I'm trying to be patient, but really just want them to stitch me up and let this thing heal so I can move on. We'll see what they say tomorrow and I'll keep everyone posted.
So believe it or not, that's all I have tonight. I'll write tomorrow after I return from the doctor, just wanted everyone to know that we are doing ok and have had a relatively uneventful week thus far. Looking forward to the long weekend this week.
More updates to come.
Love,
Tony
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Wild, wild west and another fallen soldier
Yesterday reminded me of the old western movies when a cowboy would get wounded they would put a stick or rag in his mouth and a bottle of whisky in his hand. I actually thought of that while I was laying on a table while Dr. Maluccio opened up my incision and dug into my “pocket” to clean the area. I think I have said it before, but I believe I have a fairly strong tolerance for pain…let's just say I could have used a stick and a bottle.
Nonetheless I’m all cleaned up now and moving forward. Unless I want to take a chance of passing out, I choose not to look at my incision. Dr. Maluccio got the biggest kick out of me yesterday when she was cleaning me up. She’s telling me what she is doing (and of course I can feel it), I have my eyes closed trying to listen, but not really wanting to know even though I knew Dr. Crystal would need some of the information she was telling me. The room started spinning and I’m sure my face turned white. She stopped working and I squinted my eyes open and she asks if I’m going to pass out. I told her I was thinking about it. She thought that was pretty funny. I don’t think surgeons understand why people get squeamish because what they do is so matter of fact for them.
From what Dr. Maluccio and Dr. Crystal tell me the wound is now open and we are sticking gauze (damp with saline) down into the pocket and covering the incision. Dr. Crystal is changing the gauze twice a day hoping that the pocket will get smaller so by the time I return to see Dr. Maluccio next Tuesday we should be fairly healed. All seems a little crazy to me, but I’m doing what I’m told. Last night the dressing change was a tad painful, but this morning and tonight went much better. Dr. Crystal also said it looked better, so we must be doing something right.
From a good news perspective I received results from my blood draw on Tuesday and my liver enzyme counts are improving significantly as well as my white blood count. Still very tired, but I’m now attributing that to the stress my body has been through with the pump and it’s removal. I’m functioning a little better each day and remind myself that I’m also on quite a bit of medication that will make me tired, so I’m sure that doesn’t help either.
I e-mailed Dr. Jacob from Germany today to let her know about my blood results and at the same time wanted to let her know I didn’t start my chemo this week. I was supposed to begin Tuesday but couldn’t bring myself to start based on what has been occurring with my incision. I assumed waiting a week wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I’ll see what she says….I know timing for her was an important aspect. If she tells me to start, I’ll do it.
Seems like every few weeks now I’m ending one of my entries with more sad news. One of our friends we met in Germany died a couple of days ago. We met Eric and his wife Margo the first day we arrived in Germany and they left a couple of days later. Although we only spent a short amount of time with them we felt (and still do) a real closeness to them. Not only was there a common bond in the cancer fraternity we belonged to, but we shared the same cancer (Eric had colon cancer) and has two children about the same ages of Ashley and Will (his two girls are six and four). I’m not sure if it is a good analogy or not (and I by no means want to sound like I know what happens during a war), but I sometimes feel like I am in a battleground watching my fellow soldiers get taken down around me. Every time I see or hear about losing another “soldier” there is a very deep sadness in me. Eric was as positive of a person as you will ever meet and was a tremendous fighter. I know he would want us all to continue that fight and we will for ourselves and for him.
Margo called me today to talk to me about Eric and wanted to let me know that both she and Eric didn’t want his death to discourage me or any of the other people out in Germany. They both still believe in Dr. Jacob and her treatment one hundred percent. Unfortunately his liver couldn’t continue and stopped working. Margo said he knew what was happening and that he died in peace, without pain and really happy. He touched so many lives and was able to talk about death with his family and accept the fact that he and Margo and the kids were all going to be ok. I know that is true too, but not having his physical presence doesn’t make it easy. Of course hearing of his death was hard on me, but I really appreciated the call from Margo. She gave me a sense of peace with the situation that I am sure I would not have had without our conversation. Hearing from her now with what she is going through is a testament to the kind of people they are how much they care for their "family" out in Germany. Please keep Eric, Margo, Zoe and Ella in your prayers for me. Eric will be missed by many…I will miss him dearly.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
Nonetheless I’m all cleaned up now and moving forward. Unless I want to take a chance of passing out, I choose not to look at my incision. Dr. Maluccio got the biggest kick out of me yesterday when she was cleaning me up. She’s telling me what she is doing (and of course I can feel it), I have my eyes closed trying to listen, but not really wanting to know even though I knew Dr. Crystal would need some of the information she was telling me. The room started spinning and I’m sure my face turned white. She stopped working and I squinted my eyes open and she asks if I’m going to pass out. I told her I was thinking about it. She thought that was pretty funny. I don’t think surgeons understand why people get squeamish because what they do is so matter of fact for them.
From what Dr. Maluccio and Dr. Crystal tell me the wound is now open and we are sticking gauze (damp with saline) down into the pocket and covering the incision. Dr. Crystal is changing the gauze twice a day hoping that the pocket will get smaller so by the time I return to see Dr. Maluccio next Tuesday we should be fairly healed. All seems a little crazy to me, but I’m doing what I’m told. Last night the dressing change was a tad painful, but this morning and tonight went much better. Dr. Crystal also said it looked better, so we must be doing something right.
From a good news perspective I received results from my blood draw on Tuesday and my liver enzyme counts are improving significantly as well as my white blood count. Still very tired, but I’m now attributing that to the stress my body has been through with the pump and it’s removal. I’m functioning a little better each day and remind myself that I’m also on quite a bit of medication that will make me tired, so I’m sure that doesn’t help either.
I e-mailed Dr. Jacob from Germany today to let her know about my blood results and at the same time wanted to let her know I didn’t start my chemo this week. I was supposed to begin Tuesday but couldn’t bring myself to start based on what has been occurring with my incision. I assumed waiting a week wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I’ll see what she says….I know timing for her was an important aspect. If she tells me to start, I’ll do it.
Seems like every few weeks now I’m ending one of my entries with more sad news. One of our friends we met in Germany died a couple of days ago. We met Eric and his wife Margo the first day we arrived in Germany and they left a couple of days later. Although we only spent a short amount of time with them we felt (and still do) a real closeness to them. Not only was there a common bond in the cancer fraternity we belonged to, but we shared the same cancer (Eric had colon cancer) and has two children about the same ages of Ashley and Will (his two girls are six and four). I’m not sure if it is a good analogy or not (and I by no means want to sound like I know what happens during a war), but I sometimes feel like I am in a battleground watching my fellow soldiers get taken down around me. Every time I see or hear about losing another “soldier” there is a very deep sadness in me. Eric was as positive of a person as you will ever meet and was a tremendous fighter. I know he would want us all to continue that fight and we will for ourselves and for him.
Margo called me today to talk to me about Eric and wanted to let me know that both she and Eric didn’t want his death to discourage me or any of the other people out in Germany. They both still believe in Dr. Jacob and her treatment one hundred percent. Unfortunately his liver couldn’t continue and stopped working. Margo said he knew what was happening and that he died in peace, without pain and really happy. He touched so many lives and was able to talk about death with his family and accept the fact that he and Margo and the kids were all going to be ok. I know that is true too, but not having his physical presence doesn’t make it easy. Of course hearing of his death was hard on me, but I really appreciated the call from Margo. She gave me a sense of peace with the situation that I am sure I would not have had without our conversation. Hearing from her now with what she is going through is a testament to the kind of people they are how much they care for their "family" out in Germany. Please keep Eric, Margo, Zoe and Ella in your prayers for me. Eric will be missed by many…I will miss him dearly.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Calling Dr. Baker...
When I woke up today I had no idea what was in store. I've seen and done many things over the last four years and this one will probably go down in my top ten "unique" days.
Maybe it was IU basketball's victory on Saturday night (they won again tonight by the way) or the Colts win on Sunday or the sun shining or Crystal coming home Monday or my ranting on the journal or the pain killers, but whatever it was I seemed to be turning a corner. I would by no means consider myself 100%, but Sunday was a pretty good day and Monday went relatively well too. If you've been following along you can probably tell I've been fairly down lately, but I need to practice more of what I preach. I tell so many cancer survivors that it is ok to be down for a day or two, but then it is time to pick yourself up going full steam ahead. Easier said then done, I know, and will admit I've been guilty for the past two weeks...let's hope I can learn something from myself in the future.
Even though I have been feeling better, my incision area was looking worse. Dr. Crystal came home Monday and when she saw the site she was not very happy. She cleaned me up and made me promise her that I would call my surgeon first thing Tuesday morning. So that's how my day started today...8:30am on the phone with the IU Med Center trying to make an appointment with Dr. Maluccio.
What Crystal saw last night and what has been happening over the past couple days is increased swelling and redness around the incision along with a substantial amount of drainage. Obviously there was the concern of an infection which would be a concern and would also be something I would want treated right away. I waited until 10:00 to make a return phone call to Dr. Maluccio's nurse. She told me she had not heard from her yet and would call me as soon as she knew something.
I went to my naturopath to get my IVs and at the same time wanted her to see my incision to get her opinion. As soon as she saw it she told me it was infected and I needed to see my surgeon immediately. About this time (approx 2:00) my phone rang with news that was going to make that immediate visit difficult. The nurse told me that Dr. Maluccio was leaving for the day and would be gone the rest of the week. Then it got worse... Her nurse practitioner was also on vacation this week so I was given two spectacular options. One, go to your primary doctor (which I don't have nor would ever go to for something "major") or two, come into the ER. I asked for option three and she didn't have one. I gave her a couple option threes, I know several surgeons at IU Med, get me in with one of them or get me in with someone else on Dr. Maluccio's staff. Apparently they don't "share" patients at IU Med so seeing another surgeon was not something the nurse was willing to help me with. She did however create option three which was come in tomorrow to see a resident on Dr. Maluccio's staff. Not what I was really looking for, but I took it.
As soon as I got off the phone, my naturopath informed me that I could not wait until tomorrow to see someone. She was very concerned with what she saw and knew another 20 hours could increase my risk. I didn't argue with her and left her office looking forward to a long night in the ER. I've gotten quite a bit of practice in assertiveness when it comes to my health. When I got in my car I was angry. To me this was one more example of the american medical system's care. I was mad at Dr. Maluccio, because we have become so close lately and I was mad that I completely wasted an entire day waiting to get an appointment for an infected incision site and still had to go to the ER. I called my oncologist's nurse on the way home (approx 3:30) and told her the story. She told me she would call me back after she spoke with a few people.
Ashley got off the bus at 3:50 about the same time Crystal and Will came into the house. I wanted to say hi to them before I went to the ER, knowing I wouldn't see them until tomorrow morning. As I was gathering my stuff our phone rang. Crystal answered and I knew right away it was Dr. Maluccio. I picked up the phone and she asked me where I lived. Strange question I thought, but I told her. She wanted to know because she was in Fishers and said she would save me a trip to the ER and come to my house tonight. Suddenly I wasn't mad at her anymore.
She arrived about 6:00, first time I've seen her without her white coat. When she saw the site she pretty much confirmed what everyone else was saying. She wasn't convinced that there was a full blown infection, but didn't like the swelling (which was actually fluid in the pocket where the pump resided). I had a bag full of make shift supplies and she had me lay down on my kitchen floor and she went to work...literally.
So I'm lying down on my kitchen floor with a towel underneath me as Dr. Maluccio and Dr. Crystal hover over me. As she got started I'm not sure what was worse, the pain of Dr. Maluccio opening the incision and cleaning inside "the pocket", her pushing on the surgical site to force the fluid out, or seeing Crystal's jaw drop to the floor. As Dr. Maluccio continued her work Crystal proceeded to ask her why they don't allow people to watch surgeries anymore and that she is fascinated by some surgical procedures (apparently the one she was watching was peaking her interest). Let's just say I don't think dinner in our kitchen will ever be the same again.
Once she finished and began washing her hands, she gave me a sterile paper towel we had underneath our kitchen sink on a roll and told me to go take a shower and cover the incision with a bandage. She said she was going into the office tomorrow morning for a few hours and would see me at 9:00 to open up the incision, irrigate the pocket and help keep it drained. Something to look forward to tomorrow for sure...
As she walked out of our house almost an hour later (we did some talking) and after I thanked her, I told her I was going to start calling her Dr. Baker. She either didn't catch my humor, didn't think it was funny, or never saw Little House on the Prairie. I've said many nice things about Dr. Maluccio in the past and today she didn't let me down. I know few doctors or surgeons that would do what she did tonight for their patients. I'm blessed to have her on my team.
We'll see what happens tomorrow. As always, more updates to come.
Love,
Tony
Maybe it was IU basketball's victory on Saturday night (they won again tonight by the way) or the Colts win on Sunday or the sun shining or Crystal coming home Monday or my ranting on the journal or the pain killers, but whatever it was I seemed to be turning a corner. I would by no means consider myself 100%, but Sunday was a pretty good day and Monday went relatively well too. If you've been following along you can probably tell I've been fairly down lately, but I need to practice more of what I preach. I tell so many cancer survivors that it is ok to be down for a day or two, but then it is time to pick yourself up going full steam ahead. Easier said then done, I know, and will admit I've been guilty for the past two weeks...let's hope I can learn something from myself in the future.
Even though I have been feeling better, my incision area was looking worse. Dr. Crystal came home Monday and when she saw the site she was not very happy. She cleaned me up and made me promise her that I would call my surgeon first thing Tuesday morning. So that's how my day started today...8:30am on the phone with the IU Med Center trying to make an appointment with Dr. Maluccio.
What Crystal saw last night and what has been happening over the past couple days is increased swelling and redness around the incision along with a substantial amount of drainage. Obviously there was the concern of an infection which would be a concern and would also be something I would want treated right away. I waited until 10:00 to make a return phone call to Dr. Maluccio's nurse. She told me she had not heard from her yet and would call me as soon as she knew something.
I went to my naturopath to get my IVs and at the same time wanted her to see my incision to get her opinion. As soon as she saw it she told me it was infected and I needed to see my surgeon immediately. About this time (approx 2:00) my phone rang with news that was going to make that immediate visit difficult. The nurse told me that Dr. Maluccio was leaving for the day and would be gone the rest of the week. Then it got worse... Her nurse practitioner was also on vacation this week so I was given two spectacular options. One, go to your primary doctor (which I don't have nor would ever go to for something "major") or two, come into the ER. I asked for option three and she didn't have one. I gave her a couple option threes, I know several surgeons at IU Med, get me in with one of them or get me in with someone else on Dr. Maluccio's staff. Apparently they don't "share" patients at IU Med so seeing another surgeon was not something the nurse was willing to help me with. She did however create option three which was come in tomorrow to see a resident on Dr. Maluccio's staff. Not what I was really looking for, but I took it.
As soon as I got off the phone, my naturopath informed me that I could not wait until tomorrow to see someone. She was very concerned with what she saw and knew another 20 hours could increase my risk. I didn't argue with her and left her office looking forward to a long night in the ER. I've gotten quite a bit of practice in assertiveness when it comes to my health. When I got in my car I was angry. To me this was one more example of the american medical system's care. I was mad at Dr. Maluccio, because we have become so close lately and I was mad that I completely wasted an entire day waiting to get an appointment for an infected incision site and still had to go to the ER. I called my oncologist's nurse on the way home (approx 3:30) and told her the story. She told me she would call me back after she spoke with a few people.
Ashley got off the bus at 3:50 about the same time Crystal and Will came into the house. I wanted to say hi to them before I went to the ER, knowing I wouldn't see them until tomorrow morning. As I was gathering my stuff our phone rang. Crystal answered and I knew right away it was Dr. Maluccio. I picked up the phone and she asked me where I lived. Strange question I thought, but I told her. She wanted to know because she was in Fishers and said she would save me a trip to the ER and come to my house tonight. Suddenly I wasn't mad at her anymore.
She arrived about 6:00, first time I've seen her without her white coat. When she saw the site she pretty much confirmed what everyone else was saying. She wasn't convinced that there was a full blown infection, but didn't like the swelling (which was actually fluid in the pocket where the pump resided). I had a bag full of make shift supplies and she had me lay down on my kitchen floor and she went to work...literally.
So I'm lying down on my kitchen floor with a towel underneath me as Dr. Maluccio and Dr. Crystal hover over me. As she got started I'm not sure what was worse, the pain of Dr. Maluccio opening the incision and cleaning inside "the pocket", her pushing on the surgical site to force the fluid out, or seeing Crystal's jaw drop to the floor. As Dr. Maluccio continued her work Crystal proceeded to ask her why they don't allow people to watch surgeries anymore and that she is fascinated by some surgical procedures (apparently the one she was watching was peaking her interest). Let's just say I don't think dinner in our kitchen will ever be the same again.
Once she finished and began washing her hands, she gave me a sterile paper towel we had underneath our kitchen sink on a roll and told me to go take a shower and cover the incision with a bandage. She said she was going into the office tomorrow morning for a few hours and would see me at 9:00 to open up the incision, irrigate the pocket and help keep it drained. Something to look forward to tomorrow for sure...
As she walked out of our house almost an hour later (we did some talking) and after I thanked her, I told her I was going to start calling her Dr. Baker. She either didn't catch my humor, didn't think it was funny, or never saw Little House on the Prairie. I've said many nice things about Dr. Maluccio in the past and today she didn't let me down. I know few doctors or surgeons that would do what she did tonight for their patients. I'm blessed to have her on my team.
We'll see what happens tomorrow. As always, more updates to come.
Love,
Tony
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Trying to snap out of it...
Two weeks have passed since my return from Germany and I must admit the transition has not gotten much easier. I'm trying to stay "up" but the physical pain has become mentally exhausting not to mention my love for Indiana weather. I think we have had rain for seven straight days now...nothing better to bring you out of a funk than cold, rainy, gray, and dreary weather. I'm working on my thank you to Mother Nature now.
I'm frustrated that I've been home with the family now for two weeks and pretty much work, eat, and sleep. Daddy is a joy to be around and that husband of the year award I was striving for is in serious jeopardy heading down the home stretch of 2008. The kids are resilient and I realize that as long as I'm around they are fine. Crystal continues to carry the load, I don't know what I would do without her. She actually went to Massachusetts this weekend to visit some of her friends so I guess I'm figuring it out. I'm so happy to hear that she is having a good time with many of her "old friends". No one deserves some time away more than Crystal, I was hoping she would have some fun and I believe that is happening. Ashley and Will have been big helpers for me this weekend doing the little things to make things easier on me. Besides not being able to put Ashley's hair in a ponytail this morning for dancing I've done a decent job of being Mr. Mom. I haven't been the most active dad, but we are eating and getting dressed so I consider that success. I know things will get better for me, but I'm a tad impatient and ready to get back to some normalcy.
Yesterday was a particularly tough day because cancer was the main theme of the day. I met a woman who has a three year old son that has leukemia and found out that my optometrist's wife was diagnosed with kidney cancer. My optometrist asks if I would talk to his wife, which I did. Even though I wasn't feeling great I put on my happy face and gave her my best pep talk as she sobbed in front of me. Everyone has to go through their own journey when facing cancer. I'm happy to talk to people, but try not to talk so much about my experiences (unless I'm asked) because I think everyone faces cancer differently and has their own opinions on how they want to be treated. I try to be a testament to people that you can survive this disease and keeping your mind out of the game is the most important aspect to winning.
So after a long day I get home and get an e-mail from one of the couples I was with in Germany. Things really weren't going great for them and they relayed that Eric, from Canada, was not doing well at all. Apparently he is to weak to even return to Germany. Unfortunately Eric has colon cancer too. Hearing this news along with the talks of the day and my physical pain pretty much sent me into breakdown mode. I want this so badly for myself, but want it so badly for others as well. Obviously any time I hear someone is not doing well it plants a seed in my mind that I have to later uproot and at the same time deeply saddens me. I continue to pray for all of those people out there that I know as well as those I don't know battling this horrific disease. I've written this a thousand times I'm sure, but we have to find a better way.
I'm frustrated that I've been home with the family now for two weeks and pretty much work, eat, and sleep. Daddy is a joy to be around and that husband of the year award I was striving for is in serious jeopardy heading down the home stretch of 2008. The kids are resilient and I realize that as long as I'm around they are fine. Crystal continues to carry the load, I don't know what I would do without her. She actually went to Massachusetts this weekend to visit some of her friends so I guess I'm figuring it out. I'm so happy to hear that she is having a good time with many of her "old friends". No one deserves some time away more than Crystal, I was hoping she would have some fun and I believe that is happening. Ashley and Will have been big helpers for me this weekend doing the little things to make things easier on me. Besides not being able to put Ashley's hair in a ponytail this morning for dancing I've done a decent job of being Mr. Mom. I haven't been the most active dad, but we are eating and getting dressed so I consider that success. I know things will get better for me, but I'm a tad impatient and ready to get back to some normalcy.
Yesterday was a particularly tough day because cancer was the main theme of the day. I met a woman who has a three year old son that has leukemia and found out that my optometrist's wife was diagnosed with kidney cancer. My optometrist asks if I would talk to his wife, which I did. Even though I wasn't feeling great I put on my happy face and gave her my best pep talk as she sobbed in front of me. Everyone has to go through their own journey when facing cancer. I'm happy to talk to people, but try not to talk so much about my experiences (unless I'm asked) because I think everyone faces cancer differently and has their own opinions on how they want to be treated. I try to be a testament to people that you can survive this disease and keeping your mind out of the game is the most important aspect to winning.
So after a long day I get home and get an e-mail from one of the couples I was with in Germany. Things really weren't going great for them and they relayed that Eric, from Canada, was not doing well at all. Apparently he is to weak to even return to Germany. Unfortunately Eric has colon cancer too. Hearing this news along with the talks of the day and my physical pain pretty much sent me into breakdown mode. I want this so badly for myself, but want it so badly for others as well. Obviously any time I hear someone is not doing well it plants a seed in my mind that I have to later uproot and at the same time deeply saddens me. I continue to pray for all of those people out there that I know as well as those I don't know battling this horrific disease. I've written this a thousand times I'm sure, but we have to find a better way.
I'm sure I'll snap out of it soon, a day like Friday reminds me of how much our lives have been changed by cancer. I'm never to tired to fight this thing, but at the same time it does get tiring sometimes and I find myself really wanting that "normal" life again. Good things happen to those who wait, right?
More updates to come...hopefully something a little more upbeat.
Love,
Tony
Monday, November 10, 2008
Simple surgery...
Surgeons these days can do amazing things, but I would never call any surgical procedure "simple." Dr. Maluccio deemed my surgery today as a simple procedure but going into the OR today I still didn't know what to expect since she also believes resecting 50% of a liver is a relatively simple procedure. I know she is amazing at what she does and she proved just that today.
The surgery did turn out to be relatively simple. The prep time took longer than the actual procedure and there were no major issues. She did find some fluid around the pump which she sent to culture for bacteria, but from her experience and from what she saw she believes the cultures will come back negative. Dr. Maluccio believs the fluid may have come from the sodium bicarbonate I was doing in Italy (one of those pokes from Dr. Simoncini that "missed") and could be one of the reasons for some of the pain I was having. All of this created some tissue inflammation in the pocket where the pump resided and again, could have been a reason for some of the pain.
Regardless, I am home tonight feeling very tired and a little sore but actually have less pain than I did the past several days. We'll see how the night goes after some of the medication wears off, but for now I would call today a success.
Aside from the physical conditions, there is something very satisfying about having this pump removed. I asked the doctor how many of these she had removed, thinking the answer may be zero...but I was off by two. To be fair, one of the reasons for the low number is due to the hospital stopping the use of these pumps as a method for directed therapy but I also realize that most people who had these pumps are no longer with us. I know I beat the odds on this one and continue to prove that this can be done. I had a little smile on my face as I left the hospital today feeling like this was yet another step towards restoring my health and body back to where it was before this journey began.
I appreciate all the calls and e-mails today...I didn't get back to everyone, but got home around dinner time, ate, writing this, and going to bed. I continue to recognize that I can't do this alone and am blessed by the friends and family surrounding me.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
The surgery did turn out to be relatively simple. The prep time took longer than the actual procedure and there were no major issues. She did find some fluid around the pump which she sent to culture for bacteria, but from her experience and from what she saw she believes the cultures will come back negative. Dr. Maluccio believs the fluid may have come from the sodium bicarbonate I was doing in Italy (one of those pokes from Dr. Simoncini that "missed") and could be one of the reasons for some of the pain I was having. All of this created some tissue inflammation in the pocket where the pump resided and again, could have been a reason for some of the pain.
Regardless, I am home tonight feeling very tired and a little sore but actually have less pain than I did the past several days. We'll see how the night goes after some of the medication wears off, but for now I would call today a success.
Aside from the physical conditions, there is something very satisfying about having this pump removed. I asked the doctor how many of these she had removed, thinking the answer may be zero...but I was off by two. To be fair, one of the reasons for the low number is due to the hospital stopping the use of these pumps as a method for directed therapy but I also realize that most people who had these pumps are no longer with us. I know I beat the odds on this one and continue to prove that this can be done. I had a little smile on my face as I left the hospital today feeling like this was yet another step towards restoring my health and body back to where it was before this journey began.
I appreciate all the calls and e-mails today...I didn't get back to everyone, but got home around dinner time, ate, writing this, and going to bed. I continue to recognize that I can't do this alone and am blessed by the friends and family surrounding me.
More updates to come...
Love,
Tony
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Tough week...
I've always said that cancer is as tough mentally as it is physically. This week was one of those weeks where I have been tested in both aspects. I left Germany one week ago feeling pretty good and since I have been home have been on a downward spiral. I look like I'm about three months pregnant from the inflammation in my liver which has caused a considerable amount of pain. The tough physical aspects have triggered tough mental conditions. Being away from that security in Germany creates questions in my mind about my current physical condition with no one here in the States to help. At the same time, the pain and discomfort are a constant reminder that I do have cancer and the fight I am in. This all may sound strange, but when you are feeling good and don't have any visible physical signs it's easy to "forget" about the battle. I guess the fear of all of this surfaces again more than anything so you find yourself constantly nursing yourself physically and emotionally.
I keep telling myself that the inflammation is normal and my liver has been through a tremendous amount of stress over the past several weeks. I'm disappointed that my first week home with Crystal and the kids has not been what I had hoped for--I haven't been much help to Crystal and I find myself sleeping and laying down most of the time when I am home. I haven't been as productive as I would have liked to be at work either. All of this together adds additional stress to the moment.
Ok- so enough of the sob story... I did talk to my surgeon Friday and she has pushed my surgery up to Monday morning to take my pump out. I was getting no where with her assistant and one e-mail to her got the surgery moved up two days. She is absolutely wonderful and I hope that when she sees my belly she doesn't change her mind about doing the surgery. I could use the extra room right now in my abdomen. The surgery is an outpatient procedure, should take an hour or so, but she will be putting me under full anesthesia. Not sure what to expect, but I feel like getting this pump taken out is the right thing to do right now.
After all my complaining, I did have some good moments this week with the family. I attended grandparents day at Ashley's school since Nana unexpectantly had to go to Florida. The program was short, but Ashley had a speaking part and needed someone there to support her. We went to a movie and dinner last night and although I have not been extremely mobile, have still been able to spend time with them at home. My body is still not fully on EST, but I'm slowly getting more accustomed to the time.
Should be another interesting week.
More updates to come.
Love,
Tony
I keep telling myself that the inflammation is normal and my liver has been through a tremendous amount of stress over the past several weeks. I'm disappointed that my first week home with Crystal and the kids has not been what I had hoped for--I haven't been much help to Crystal and I find myself sleeping and laying down most of the time when I am home. I haven't been as productive as I would have liked to be at work either. All of this together adds additional stress to the moment.
Ok- so enough of the sob story... I did talk to my surgeon Friday and she has pushed my surgery up to Monday morning to take my pump out. I was getting no where with her assistant and one e-mail to her got the surgery moved up two days. She is absolutely wonderful and I hope that when she sees my belly she doesn't change her mind about doing the surgery. I could use the extra room right now in my abdomen. The surgery is an outpatient procedure, should take an hour or so, but she will be putting me under full anesthesia. Not sure what to expect, but I feel like getting this pump taken out is the right thing to do right now.
After all my complaining, I did have some good moments this week with the family. I attended grandparents day at Ashley's school since Nana unexpectantly had to go to Florida. The program was short, but Ashley had a speaking part and needed someone there to support her. We went to a movie and dinner last night and although I have not been extremely mobile, have still been able to spend time with them at home. My body is still not fully on EST, but I'm slowly getting more accustomed to the time.
Should be another interesting week.
More updates to come.
Love,
Tony
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Back into my routine..sort of.
The plan on Halloween was for me to be at one of my neighbors homes and surprise the kids when they came to the door trick or treating. Traffic was light and dad felt like he was still on the autobahn so we made it home sooner than anticipated. The kids were at home and standing at the door waiting for trick or treaters when they saw us pull in our driveway. There was a mad dash from me and the kids to get to that embrace. I have no words for having those little bodies in my arms again. Ashley and I teared up a little, but there was no time for emotion, we had Halloween to attend to along with the other 500 things they needed to tell and show me. Normally hearing "hey daddy" every 30 seconds would cause me to become irritated, but I loved every second of it that evening. Crystal and I got to catch up and walk around a little while the kids were gathering thier Halloween loot.
Being home has been a little weird. Although I wouldn't consider Germany a vacation, it is sort of that same feeling when you get back from a long break and have to get back into your daily routine. Plus I have not really felt good since I have been home so not having that sense of security each day with Dr. Jacob has not made the transition easy. I've been working every day, trying my best to get back into that routine, but I find that I am exhausted by the time I get home and poor Crystal continues to "carry the load." I know it will get better as each day passes, but can honestly say I'm looking forward to the weekend to rest.
We had Ashley's birthday party with the family last Saturday and after four weeks of no NFL football I got to watch games on Sunday. Crystal and I went to vote on Sunday at noon. I figured one, two hours max to vote so was ok with missing an hour of football if I had to. Three and a half hours later we left the voting booths and I had missed all the 1:00 games. Oh well...we had a beautiful day and Crystal and I really enjoyed the time together. There was plenty of NFL to see the rest of the day and there was nothing better than a Colts victory over the Patriots to finish off my Sunday.
The only other "news" is that my surgery to get my pump taken out is next Wednesday. I am going to see if I can get that date pushed up because the pain in that area of my abdomen seems to be getting worse each day. I think my liver is inflamed causing some pain in that area and the long flight and days sitting in the office have not helped. I've been in touch with Dr. Jacob and she has given me some suggestions, but I think getting this thing out is the best solution. We'll see if I get my wish earlier than Wednesday.
I want to thank everyone for all of the warm wishes and the "welcome backs." It's great to come back to so many people that care. I've said it before, but will say it again...we couldn't do all of this without the support we have received and we are forever grateful for being blessed with such a strong support group.
I'll continue to make updates...I'm of course exhausted and need to go to sleep.
Love,
Tony
Being home has been a little weird. Although I wouldn't consider Germany a vacation, it is sort of that same feeling when you get back from a long break and have to get back into your daily routine. Plus I have not really felt good since I have been home so not having that sense of security each day with Dr. Jacob has not made the transition easy. I've been working every day, trying my best to get back into that routine, but I find that I am exhausted by the time I get home and poor Crystal continues to "carry the load." I know it will get better as each day passes, but can honestly say I'm looking forward to the weekend to rest.
We had Ashley's birthday party with the family last Saturday and after four weeks of no NFL football I got to watch games on Sunday. Crystal and I went to vote on Sunday at noon. I figured one, two hours max to vote so was ok with missing an hour of football if I had to. Three and a half hours later we left the voting booths and I had missed all the 1:00 games. Oh well...we had a beautiful day and Crystal and I really enjoyed the time together. There was plenty of NFL to see the rest of the day and there was nothing better than a Colts victory over the Patriots to finish off my Sunday.
The only other "news" is that my surgery to get my pump taken out is next Wednesday. I am going to see if I can get that date pushed up because the pain in that area of my abdomen seems to be getting worse each day. I think my liver is inflamed causing some pain in that area and the long flight and days sitting in the office have not helped. I've been in touch with Dr. Jacob and she has given me some suggestions, but I think getting this thing out is the best solution. We'll see if I get my wish earlier than Wednesday.
I want to thank everyone for all of the warm wishes and the "welcome backs." It's great to come back to so many people that care. I've said it before, but will say it again...we couldn't do all of this without the support we have received and we are forever grateful for being blessed with such a strong support group.
I'll continue to make updates...I'm of course exhausted and need to go to sleep.
Love,
Tony
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Reminiscing...my "family" at Alpenpark
Twenty thousand feet in the air without any entertainment (the movie system is down in the plane) so I thought I should reflect on my trip to Germany while it is still fresh in my head. We don’t land for another six hours so hope this entry doesn’t turn into a book.
I must admit the trip far exceeded my expectations. From the moment we arrived to the moment we left; the organization, the care, the knowledge, the camaraderie in the Klinik was phenomenal. I’ve written quite a bit about the treatments, but not much about the other really important and healing aspect of the trip which was the people who came to be my “family” while at Alpenpark. I do not believe in chance meetings. If you bump into someone for an instant in a store or have a life long friend I believe those people are supposed to be part of your life. The people I met in Germany (I promised I would only use their first names), have become part of my life and whether we see each other again or not I was blessed to be a part of their lives and they will all hold a special place in my heart.
Over the past couple of years I have tried to find a piece of me in other people. Many of life’s lessons come from meeting other people and seeing reflections of you in them. Call me crazy, but I think you perceive yourself in what you think of others. I don’t claim to be a saint, but life and my perception of life has changed dramatically since my battle with cancer. My time is too limited to not find the good in people. When I look at people I try to see the attributes that I would like to, or do, see in myself.
The moment I walked into the IV room on that first day the room was full of people. All fifteen or so chairs were full except one next to a man who looked terrible. We didn’t talk much that day because Paol was in bad shape. He lives in England, had two small children, diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer and has been told in the UK there is nothing more they could do. Paol wouldn’t and won’t accept that. Over three weeks I saw Paol go from not being able to walk, to walking two hours a day. His sense of humor, positive attitude, and love for his wife, kids and family poured through as his health was being restored. I wish Paol and his family nothing but the best as he continues his journey with his head held high.
We didn’t have much time to meet with Eric and Margo because they left a day after we arrived. But Eric was battling metastatic colon cancer just like me. He looked great and everyone had said he had really turned things around once he started coming to the Klinik.
They used the phrase that their “backs were against the wall” when they came to see Dr. Jacob, but feel like now they have stepped away from that wall and have a little breathing room. We hope to keep in touch with them, but they were the first couple that gave me hope in Dr. Jacob. Margo sat me down and said this is the place to be...you will know it before you leave. She was right.
Crystal and I went to Frankfurt for the first time with a couple, Jack and Diana. Diana has been battling a rare form of throat cancer for seven years (if you are reading this Diana I hope my facts are straight). She could write a book about what she has gone through in her battle with cancer. The surgeries and chemos she has been through actually make my jaw drop listening to them. She is a tremendous fighter with a determination second to none. Diana has ridden her battle for a long time and I know that no matter how long it takes; another year, 4 years, 7 years, 10 years, etc., she will continue to use her strength of determination to win the battle. As I do, so does Diana have a wonderful, loving partner. You can tell instantly the bond they hold and cherish for each other and how proud Jack is of her. They reminded me in some ways of my grandmother and grandfather Feller who you can still see today the love they have for each other. I don’t know if Jack purposely did it, but most days he would come into the IV room and pat me on the knee and ask “how are you doing today.” Those are the little things that really meant a lot to me while I was there…I don’t know if he realized how much that meant to me. The small personal touch and the little things sometimes are the things that stand out over a long day.
A few days into our trip Gary and Susan helped “show us the ropes” around the town, with the apartment, etc. They were like our little angels that helped guide us and get us off on the right foot. I was inspired by Gary while he was at the clinic. I’m butchering all of their diagnosis, but he had some form of throat cancer that has also gotten into his lungs. He did some brutal treatments in the US and came to Germany to hit his cancer with full force. Just like the others, his fight is incredible, but Gary was put through hell in Germany. What makes me so proud of him is that he wanted it (not to be put through hell, but to do anything he had to do beat this). He had doctors performing procedures that were dangerous (i.e. sticking a needle the size of a dagger into your lungs with no anesthesia while you mouth fills up with blood), painful (cyberkniving the tumors in his mouth that literally created a hole in his throat so he couldn’t eat), and mentally exhausting (chemos that gave him a rash and a constant reminder what he was going through). I know he had his tough days, but he battled through each day. Every day he would tell the doctor in so many words to “bring it on”. He has a prize fighter personality, someone that may take a punch and get knocked down but will stand right back up and punch you back twice as hard. I told him many times, you get news you don’t like go ahead and be upset for a day, but the next day you get up and fight twice as hard. He did that and I’m proud of what he accomplished in the five weeks in Germany.
Susan, Gary’s wife, left soon after Crystal but Gary’s brother Steve came for the final three weeks. Steve was constant encouragement for Gary and the entire room. Dad and I were lucky to spend a day with him in Salzburg and get to know him on a more personal level. He is a remarkable man, straight shooter and wants to know the logic behind the medicine. Dr. Jacob does really well with explaining things, but there can be some information overload trying to understand how everything coordinated together. Since many of us were doing similar treatments, Steve would sometimes give us some extra explanation on what and why some of the methods were being used. He’s also a pretty good cook too, cooking up a tasty steak dianne on our last night.
Michelle and George came a few days after Crystal and I arrived. George is Michelle’s brother and was there to support her through her battle with breast cancer. George kept the room laughing. I’ve never seen a man remember so many jokes in my life. He could go on for hours telling jokes and trying to make people laugh. Along with his humor he had a good heart and genially started to care for the other people there, not only his sister. I was a little more reserved (plus can’t remember a joke if you told it to me an hour ago), so I don’t think the room saw my full sense of humor. Nonetheless George’s fun loving spirit was evident…a man who likes to have a good time...and kept us all smiling on days when a smile would normally be a little harder to come by. Michelle is the caregiver. Although she is battling cancer she was always the one taking care of everyone else. We had to encourage her when it was her time for the needles to go in and had to encourage her to take her pills. Michelle if you are reading this…take your pills!! She has an unselfish part about her that needs to become more selfish to help her win this battle. Her caring attributes are her strengths…she really cared for the people in the room with her everyday and wanted so badly for everyone to be ok.
Teresa came late in my stay. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a couple of surgeries in the week that I was with her. She was hard core natural medicine, which I can appreciate since I was there at one time. I saw a little of me in her with her wanting to win this in a more natural, healthier way. Fortunately her disease seems to be stabilized so she will be able to continue her wishes, but for many of us there just going natural is not an option any longer.
Julie, Adam, Shellie, and Perry were all couples that had been coming to Dr. Jacob for years. Julie and Shellie both HAD breast cancer and both are in full remission. Both have had long roads to get there, but have proven that the methods used by Dr. Jacob work and they are living their lives with their children and husbands cancer free. I see the joy in their faces and the certainty of believe they have in the treatment that gives me a sense of warmth that they are living proof on what can happen. I’m not sure about the others in the room, but for me, having them around as proof that cancer can be beat was a powerful mental weapon for me.
These people helped shaped the last four weeks of my life. I hope I have Paol’s positive attitude, Eric’s sense of hope, Diana’s determination, Gary’s fight, Steve’s logical thinking, George’s fun loving spirit, Michelle’s care for others, Teresa’s belief in a more natural way, and Julie’s/Shellie’s faith and cancer fortune in me. I’m not giving any of them the justice they deserve in the short amount of writing I have dedicated to them, but the experience without them would have not been the same. I appreciate their willingness to share their experiences and allow me into a small piece of their lives. We all came from different countries and states, all have different personalities, different lives and careers, but at the end of the day we all want the same thing. To live another day. I will pray for each one of them daily as every one of them will hold a special place in my heart for as long as I live.
Tears filled my eyes as I hugged Dr. Jacob on that last day. There is a sense of security when you are around her and although I was more than ready to go home, there still are some feelings of vulnerability once you are gone. She asked why I was crying and I told her I wanted to thank her for what she has done for me and all the other cancer patients she has seen. I’m not sure she realizes what she does for all those that see her. She is an angel in disguise that has given us all renewed hope once again. The only regret I have on this trip is not knowing about this place four years ago. For some reason I wasn’t supposed to be here until now…I’m sure glad I came.
More updates in a few days…I need to get back to a normal life.
Love,
Tony
I must admit the trip far exceeded my expectations. From the moment we arrived to the moment we left; the organization, the care, the knowledge, the camaraderie in the Klinik was phenomenal. I’ve written quite a bit about the treatments, but not much about the other really important and healing aspect of the trip which was the people who came to be my “family” while at Alpenpark. I do not believe in chance meetings. If you bump into someone for an instant in a store or have a life long friend I believe those people are supposed to be part of your life. The people I met in Germany (I promised I would only use their first names), have become part of my life and whether we see each other again or not I was blessed to be a part of their lives and they will all hold a special place in my heart.
Over the past couple of years I have tried to find a piece of me in other people. Many of life’s lessons come from meeting other people and seeing reflections of you in them. Call me crazy, but I think you perceive yourself in what you think of others. I don’t claim to be a saint, but life and my perception of life has changed dramatically since my battle with cancer. My time is too limited to not find the good in people. When I look at people I try to see the attributes that I would like to, or do, see in myself.
The moment I walked into the IV room on that first day the room was full of people. All fifteen or so chairs were full except one next to a man who looked terrible. We didn’t talk much that day because Paol was in bad shape. He lives in England, had two small children, diagnosed with metastatic pancreatic cancer and has been told in the UK there is nothing more they could do. Paol wouldn’t and won’t accept that. Over three weeks I saw Paol go from not being able to walk, to walking two hours a day. His sense of humor, positive attitude, and love for his wife, kids and family poured through as his health was being restored. I wish Paol and his family nothing but the best as he continues his journey with his head held high.
We didn’t have much time to meet with Eric and Margo because they left a day after we arrived. But Eric was battling metastatic colon cancer just like me. He looked great and everyone had said he had really turned things around once he started coming to the Klinik.
They used the phrase that their “backs were against the wall” when they came to see Dr. Jacob, but feel like now they have stepped away from that wall and have a little breathing room. We hope to keep in touch with them, but they were the first couple that gave me hope in Dr. Jacob. Margo sat me down and said this is the place to be...you will know it before you leave. She was right.
Crystal and I went to Frankfurt for the first time with a couple, Jack and Diana. Diana has been battling a rare form of throat cancer for seven years (if you are reading this Diana I hope my facts are straight). She could write a book about what she has gone through in her battle with cancer. The surgeries and chemos she has been through actually make my jaw drop listening to them. She is a tremendous fighter with a determination second to none. Diana has ridden her battle for a long time and I know that no matter how long it takes; another year, 4 years, 7 years, 10 years, etc., she will continue to use her strength of determination to win the battle. As I do, so does Diana have a wonderful, loving partner. You can tell instantly the bond they hold and cherish for each other and how proud Jack is of her. They reminded me in some ways of my grandmother and grandfather Feller who you can still see today the love they have for each other. I don’t know if Jack purposely did it, but most days he would come into the IV room and pat me on the knee and ask “how are you doing today.” Those are the little things that really meant a lot to me while I was there…I don’t know if he realized how much that meant to me. The small personal touch and the little things sometimes are the things that stand out over a long day.
A few days into our trip Gary and Susan helped “show us the ropes” around the town, with the apartment, etc. They were like our little angels that helped guide us and get us off on the right foot. I was inspired by Gary while he was at the clinic. I’m butchering all of their diagnosis, but he had some form of throat cancer that has also gotten into his lungs. He did some brutal treatments in the US and came to Germany to hit his cancer with full force. Just like the others, his fight is incredible, but Gary was put through hell in Germany. What makes me so proud of him is that he wanted it (not to be put through hell, but to do anything he had to do beat this). He had doctors performing procedures that were dangerous (i.e. sticking a needle the size of a dagger into your lungs with no anesthesia while you mouth fills up with blood), painful (cyberkniving the tumors in his mouth that literally created a hole in his throat so he couldn’t eat), and mentally exhausting (chemos that gave him a rash and a constant reminder what he was going through). I know he had his tough days, but he battled through each day. Every day he would tell the doctor in so many words to “bring it on”. He has a prize fighter personality, someone that may take a punch and get knocked down but will stand right back up and punch you back twice as hard. I told him many times, you get news you don’t like go ahead and be upset for a day, but the next day you get up and fight twice as hard. He did that and I’m proud of what he accomplished in the five weeks in Germany.
Susan, Gary’s wife, left soon after Crystal but Gary’s brother Steve came for the final three weeks. Steve was constant encouragement for Gary and the entire room. Dad and I were lucky to spend a day with him in Salzburg and get to know him on a more personal level. He is a remarkable man, straight shooter and wants to know the logic behind the medicine. Dr. Jacob does really well with explaining things, but there can be some information overload trying to understand how everything coordinated together. Since many of us were doing similar treatments, Steve would sometimes give us some extra explanation on what and why some of the methods were being used. He’s also a pretty good cook too, cooking up a tasty steak dianne on our last night.
Michelle and George came a few days after Crystal and I arrived. George is Michelle’s brother and was there to support her through her battle with breast cancer. George kept the room laughing. I’ve never seen a man remember so many jokes in my life. He could go on for hours telling jokes and trying to make people laugh. Along with his humor he had a good heart and genially started to care for the other people there, not only his sister. I was a little more reserved (plus can’t remember a joke if you told it to me an hour ago), so I don’t think the room saw my full sense of humor. Nonetheless George’s fun loving spirit was evident…a man who likes to have a good time...and kept us all smiling on days when a smile would normally be a little harder to come by. Michelle is the caregiver. Although she is battling cancer she was always the one taking care of everyone else. We had to encourage her when it was her time for the needles to go in and had to encourage her to take her pills. Michelle if you are reading this…take your pills!! She has an unselfish part about her that needs to become more selfish to help her win this battle. Her caring attributes are her strengths…she really cared for the people in the room with her everyday and wanted so badly for everyone to be ok.
Teresa came late in my stay. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a couple of surgeries in the week that I was with her. She was hard core natural medicine, which I can appreciate since I was there at one time. I saw a little of me in her with her wanting to win this in a more natural, healthier way. Fortunately her disease seems to be stabilized so she will be able to continue her wishes, but for many of us there just going natural is not an option any longer.
Julie, Adam, Shellie, and Perry were all couples that had been coming to Dr. Jacob for years. Julie and Shellie both HAD breast cancer and both are in full remission. Both have had long roads to get there, but have proven that the methods used by Dr. Jacob work and they are living their lives with their children and husbands cancer free. I see the joy in their faces and the certainty of believe they have in the treatment that gives me a sense of warmth that they are living proof on what can happen. I’m not sure about the others in the room, but for me, having them around as proof that cancer can be beat was a powerful mental weapon for me.
These people helped shaped the last four weeks of my life. I hope I have Paol’s positive attitude, Eric’s sense of hope, Diana’s determination, Gary’s fight, Steve’s logical thinking, George’s fun loving spirit, Michelle’s care for others, Teresa’s belief in a more natural way, and Julie’s/Shellie’s faith and cancer fortune in me. I’m not giving any of them the justice they deserve in the short amount of writing I have dedicated to them, but the experience without them would have not been the same. I appreciate their willingness to share their experiences and allow me into a small piece of their lives. We all came from different countries and states, all have different personalities, different lives and careers, but at the end of the day we all want the same thing. To live another day. I will pray for each one of them daily as every one of them will hold a special place in my heart for as long as I live.
Tears filled my eyes as I hugged Dr. Jacob on that last day. There is a sense of security when you are around her and although I was more than ready to go home, there still are some feelings of vulnerability once you are gone. She asked why I was crying and I told her I wanted to thank her for what she has done for me and all the other cancer patients she has seen. I’m not sure she realizes what she does for all those that see her. She is an angel in disguise that has given us all renewed hope once again. The only regret I have on this trip is not knowing about this place four years ago. For some reason I wasn’t supposed to be here until now…I’m sure glad I came.
More updates in a few days…I need to get back to a normal life.
Love,
Tony
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